Zardari Jokes July 24, 2009
Mr. Asif Ali Zardari is the current President of Pakistan. He has tasked his country’s top investigation
agency to go after those who send, receive, or forward funny or derogatory text messages about the
country’s president. Anyone sending or receiving jokes about Zardari now faces the threat of a 14-year
jail sentence. Some say this will actually encourage further ridicule of the Pakistan President, portrayed
often in these text messages as a thief, a dog, a traitor or a demon.
Q: How many zardari jokes are there on the Internet?
A: Only one. The rest are all true.
Robber: “Give me all your money!”
Zardari: “Don’t you know who I am? I am Asif Ali Zardari.”
Robber: “OK. Give me all my money”
TV anchor announcing:
Terrorists have kidnapped our beloved Zardari and are demanding $5,000,000 or they will burn him with
petrol. Please donate what you can. I have donated five liters.”
Postmaster General announcing
To commemorate the ascension to the Presidency, Pakistan Post has officially launched a new stamp.
But the people of Pakistan are confused which side of the stamp to spit on.
Announcement In Zardari’s official airplane…
Mr. President , We are about to land.
Could you please put Sherry Rehman (former Information Minister) in an upright position. Thank you….
Joke told by Chilean journalist to President Obama during President
Michelle Bachelet's White House visit:
Why haven't there been attempted coups in Washington DC?
Because there's no US Embassy there.
Da end is near --- contributed by Zeenat Mansoor
Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church and Pastor
Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road.
They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that read:
’Da End is Near Turn Yo Sef ‘Roun Now Afore It Be Too Late!’
As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, ‘You religious nuts!’
From the curve they heard screeching tires, and a big splash…
Boudreaux turns to Thibodaux and asks, "Do ya tink mebbe da sign should jussay…..’Da
Bridge is Out’ ?"
Shakespeare Rewrite June 23, 2009
Shakespeare Rewrite --- Rowan Atkinson and Hugh Laurie VIDEO HERE
Hilarious Stand-up June 20, 2009
Rowan Atkinson (who played Mr, Bean) doing stand-up VIDEO HERE
Lawyer Joke June 17, 2009
Someone was looking for an honest lawyer and decided to interview a few. The first
candidate was asked if he was honest.
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so
honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the
minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."
Kids Jokes June 17, 2009
Q: What did one dandelion say to the other dandelion?
A: Take me to your weeder.
Q: What kind of shoes do you make with banana skins?
Q: What did the rug say to the floor?
A: I've got you covered!
Q: How do you make antifreeze?
A: You steal her blanket.
Q: Why does a cow wear a bell?
A: Because her horns don't work.
Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
A: A bulldoser.
Q: What did the adding machine say to the cashier?
A: You can count on me.
Q: What is the best way to keep dogs out of the street?
A: Put them in a barking lot.
HEALTH AND NUTRITION --- from Zeenat Mansoor
You gotta love this doctor!
Q: Doctor, I heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on
exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you
live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.
Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn.
And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient
mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.
Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.
You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!!
It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming well for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an
attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one
hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming
'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
ENGLISH ABROAD --- from Zeenat Mansoor
- Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11am daily."
-- A sign in a hotel in Athens.
- Dirty Water Punishment Place" -- How a sewage treatment plant was marked on a Tokyo
- "The manager has personally passed all the water served here." -- A sign in an
- "Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up." -- A sign in a Leipzig elevator.
- "Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension." --
A sign in an Austrian hotel catering to skiers.
- "We take your bags and send them in all directions." -- A sign in a Copenhagen airline
- "Ladies may have a fit upstairs." -- A sign outside a Hong Kong tailor shop.
CRICKET WISDOM --- contributed by Zeenat Mansoor
The first testicular guard was used in cricket in
1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.
It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain
is also important!
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "Our baby is coming. Her contractions are only two
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"
ORGANIZATIONAL MANAGEMENT --- THE MONKEY'S VIEW
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels.
Some monkeys are climbing up, some coming down.
The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
JESUS AND THE ROBBER
One night a robber broke into a home and heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you!" while
he rummaged through the desk.
He replied, "Who said that?!"
Once again he heard the same thing, "Jesus is watching you!"
The robber looked around the room only to see a parrot. He asked the parrot what its name
was. The parrot replied, "Cornelius."
The robber said, "What kind of a name is that?! Who names a parrot that?!"
The parrot said, "The same person who named that rotweiler behind you Jesus!"
THE FROG AND THE PSYCHIC
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young
girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."
FARMER JOHNSON'S LAST WISH
Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he
sad to his wife: "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."
Wife: "No, I can't marry anyone after you."
Johnson: "But I want you to."
Wife: "But why?"
Johnson: "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Q: Why does a flamingo lift up one leg?
A: Because if it lifted both legs it would fall over!
Q: Why do birds fly south in the winter?
A: Because it's too far to walk!
Q: What is a polygon?
A: A dead parrot!
Q: Why did the poor dog chase his own tail?
A: He was trying to make both ends meet!
Q: What happens when it rains cats and dogs?
A: You can step in a poodle!
Q: Why are dogs like phones?
A: Because they have collar IDs.
Q: What did one flea say to the other?
A: Should we walk or take a dog?
Q: What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?
BEAR HUNTING JOKES
Two seniors went bear hunting. Driving down a country road, they came upon a fork in the road and a
sign saying, "Bear Left". So they went home.
A lawyer out bear hunting shot and wounded a huge grizzly. The angry bear charged him. Dropping his
rifle, he ran as fast as he could to a cabin in the distance. With the bear gaining on him, he barely
made it to the invitingly open front door tripping on the ledge and falling flat on his face. By this time,
the bear was right behind, tripped on him and tumbled into the cabin. The lawyer got up, looked at the
startled man inside and slamming the door shut, shouted, "You skin this one while I go get another."
Irish Jokes --- Guaranteed to put a smile on your face! --- from Zeenat Mansoor
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a
Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass
every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to
The man said, 'I do, Father.'
The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'
Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.
'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'
The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to
go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right
Paddy was in New York . He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street
crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the
traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said,
'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he
had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'
'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut .
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor
of the car.
He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'
'Just water,' says the priest.
The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'
The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'
The following "Scotsman" joke does not represent any I know; to me, they have been among
the most generous.
The phrase, however, is almost generic for someone careful with his money. No offense
An Arab sheik was seriously injured in an accident and a Scotsman donated the blood for an emergency
blood transfusion. It saved the Arab's life and he was so grateful he presented a large Mercedes to the
Surprisingly, the Arab had another mishap and underwent the same process. This time though, the Scot
received just a box of chocolates and a thank you note.
Somewhat upset, the Scot confronted the Arab who replied, "You know, I am a new man now. I have
Scottish blood running through my veins."
- Old age is starting your engine and having to let it run a while before moving.
- I never forget a face but in your case I'll make an exception.
- I was married by a judge; I should have asked for a jury.
A member of the United States Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, exploded one day in
mid-session and began to shout, "Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"
All the other Senators demanded that the angry member withdraw his statement, or be removed from
the remainder of the session.
After a long pause, the angry member acquiesced. "OK," he said, "I withdraw what I said. Half of this
Senate is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"
The Lawyer and the Electrical Engineer
A lawyer and a very smart electrical engineer were out backpacking in the woods when they heard a
fearsome thrashing and growling. In the distance was a huge grizzly just getting ready to charge. The
lawyer dropped his backpack, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started to remove his hiking boots.
"What do you think you're doing?" said the engineer. "I can calculate precisely how long it'll take that
bear to catch up with you and it won't be very far."
"You don't get it," replied the lawyer. "You super-smart guys never get it. I'm not going to be running
faster than the bear --- just faster than you."
Keeping to the Speed Limit
A state trooper spied a car puttering along at 22 MPH. So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver
over. Approaching the car, he noticed that five old guys were inside, and they looked wide-eyed and
The driver pleaded with him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What
seems to be the problem?"
"Sir," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but driving slower than the speed limit can also be
"I beg to differ, Officer, I was doing the speed limit exactly: twenty-two miles an hour!" the old man said.
The trooper, chuckling, explained to him that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit
embarrassed, the man grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out his error.
"But before I let you go, Sir, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These guys seem awfully shaken."
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute," the old man said. "We just got off Route 119."
A man was exploring caves by the Seashore. In one of the caves he found a canvas bag with a bunch
of hardened clay balls. It was like someone had rolled clay balls and left them out in the sun to bake.
They didn't look like much, but they intrigued the man, so he took the bag out of the cave with him.
As he strolled along the beach, he would throw the clay balls one at a time out into the ocean as far as
he could. He thought little about it, until he dropped one of the clay balls and it cracked open on a rock
.. Inside was a beautiful, precious stone!
Excited, the man started breaking open the remaining clay balls. Each contained a similar treasure.
He found thousands of dollars worth of jewels in the 20 or so clay balls he had left.
Then it struck him. He had been on the beach a long time. He had thrown maybe 50 or 60 of the clay
balls with their hidden treasure into the ocean waves. Instead of thousands of dollars in treasure, he
could have taken home tens of thousands, but he had just thrown it away!
It's like that with people. We look at someone, maybe even ourselves, and we see the external clay
vessel. It doesn't look like much from the outside. It isn't always beautiful or sparkling, so we discount it.
We see that person as less important than someone more beautiful or stylish or well known or wealthy.
But we have not taken the time to find the treasure hidden inside that person.
There is a treasure in each and every one of us. If we take the time to get to know that person, and if
we ask God to show us that person the way He sees them, then the clay begins to peel away and the
brilliant gem begins to shine forth.
May we not come to the end of our lives and find out that we have thrown away a fortune in friendships
because the gems were hidden in bits of clay. May we see the people in our world as God sees them.
As he was musing, his mind filled with thoughts of love for his fellow creatures of his beloved God, his
foot kicked an enormous clay ball. Nursing his toe, he mouthed a foul expletive, but remembering God
he bit his lip for he did not wish to prejudice his chances of Heaven. He looked at the ball again; it was
huge, and he was now certain God had rewarded him for his insights and purity of vision. He looked for
a suitable rock to crack it open and claim his prize. It was not easy for the size of the ball required a
very large rock, and there were not too many large rocks to be found on the seashore. But he found
one eventually. He could hardly contain his excitement in anticipation of his reward. He gave the ball a
resounding thwack. It split open to reveal a rolled treasure-map like parchment which he unraveled with
trembling fingers. It was a brief message, "Sometimes a clay ball is just a clay ball."
Test for Idiocy
Below are four questions and a Bonus question. You have to answer
them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of immediately.
Let's find out just how clever you really are....
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What
position are you in?
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely
wrong! If you overtake the second person, you take his place, so you are
Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the next question.
but don't take as much time as you took on the first one, OK?
If you overtake the last person, then you are?
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
Answer: if you answered that you are second to last, then
you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the
You're not very good at this, are you?
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your
head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it.. Now add another 1000. Now
add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another
1000. Now add 10. What is the total?
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
Did you get 5000?
The correct answer is actually 4100.
If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator! Today is
definitely not your day, is it? Maybe you'll get the last
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana,
2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
Did you answer Nunu?
NO! of course it is't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!
Okay, now the bonus round:
A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By
imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself
to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of
sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
He just has to open his mouth and ask... it's really very simple... like you!
Pass this on to frustrate the smart people!
Copyright © 2010 ofthisandthat.org.
August 19, 2009
From an Irish website ---
Air traffic controller to Aer Lingus pilot: "What's your height and position?"
Aer Lingus pilot to air traffic control: "I'm 5'10 and I'm sittin' up at the front".
The Thoughtful Wife September 8, 2009
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer walks up to the drivers open window and says, "I
clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says, "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't
have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep
your mouth shut for once!!?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear, you should be thankful your radar detector went off
when it did or your speed would have been higher."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife
and says through clenched teeth, "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an
automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so
that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear
your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY
DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
(You'll love this part)
"Only when he's been drinking!"
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers
to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,
subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the 2009 winners:
1. Cas/h/tration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignora/n/us : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Int/a/xication : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts
until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Rein/t/arnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5./ B/ozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately,
shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Forepl/o/y : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose
of getting laid.
7.. G/i/raffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarc/h/asm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculat/t/e : To take coffee / /intravenously when you are
10. Osteopor/n/osis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11./ K/armageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all
these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes
and it's like, a serious bummer, right?
12. Deca/f/alon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.
13./ G/libido : All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebu/g/ (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets
into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterp/a/llor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a
worm in the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to
its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate
meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
1. Coffee , n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted , adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one
3. Abdicate , v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade , v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly , adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent , adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing
only a nightgown.
7. Lymph , v.. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle , n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence , n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has
been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash , n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle , n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude , n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by
13. Pokemon , n.. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster , n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with
15. Frisbeetarianism , n. The belief that, after death, the soul
flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
Zardari in Israel --- from Zeenat Mansoor
Zardari goes on a state visit to Israel.
While on tour in Jerusalem, he suffers a heart attack and passes away.
The undertaker tells the accompanying people, 'You can have him shipped home for US$500,000, or
you can bury him here, in the Holy Land , for just US$100.'
The Pakistanis go into a corner and discuss for a minute. They come back to the undertaker and tell
him they want Zardari shipped home.
The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend $500,000 to ship him home, when it
would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100?
With the money you save you could buy enough diesel for a year, buy enough medicines to wipe out
cholera, buy enough generators to never have blackouts again.'
The Pakistani's replied, 'Long ago a man named JESUS died and was buried here, and three days
later he rose from the dead.
We just can't take that chance with this man.'
Barack n' Bernanke's Repair Shop
by Abell Smith
Source: Fighting Words Comics
Humor January 18, 2010
.....Look on the bright side. They finally found a WMD. Not in the desert wastes of Iraq, nor in the
cellar of one of Saddam Hussein’s palaces. Not in an Iranian nuclear facility. In Umar Farouk
Abdulmutallab’s underwear. He’s been charged by a US grand jury with “attempted use of a weapon
of mass destruction.” Who’d have thought it could be so small? Or that “mass” could mean
something less than a four digit casualty list? .... Alexander Cockburn in Counterpunch.
January 24, 2010
15 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR DAUGHTERS - FROM ZEENAT MANSOOR
1. Don't imagine you can change a man -- unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.
3. If they can put a man on the moon -- they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander-- it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest he is too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men
wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes; it means that you laugh at
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
Elephant Behavior January 31, 2010
Q: How do you keep an Elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit card.
February 2, 2010
From the Computer Tech Support Trenches --- contributed by Zeenat Mansoor
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...!
Customer: Hi, this is Celine . I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute.. I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....!
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find
printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still
says he can't find it!
Customer: I have problems printing in red..
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah!....................thank you.
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11!
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah..that one does work!
Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as n Victor,
the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars!
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
Customer: I have a huge problem.. A friend has placed a screen saver
on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, the screen saver disappears.
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address , but how do I get the circle around it?
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man
sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine!'
And last but not least...
Tech support: 'Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That
brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
February 25, 2010
Accidentally Funniest Headlines HERE
March 15, 2010
Here are the winners of this year's Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once
again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,
subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent
for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who is really stupid as well as an asshole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money
to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from
penetrating. The bozone layer unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right?
And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that
are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked
through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in
the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
Unintended and Funny News Broadcasts March 17, 2010
Rewriting Shakespeare March 30, 2010
April 12, 2010
Sarah Palin's next career move ...
April 28, 2010
Best Political Impressions
Chemistry Exam Question May 7, 2010
“Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?”
One student’s answer:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate
at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I
think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no
souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions
that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than
one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are,
we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate
of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature
and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as
souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the
temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature
and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, ‘It will be a
cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and take into account the fact that I slept with her last
night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has
already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows
that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct … leaving only Heaven,
thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept
shouting ‘Oh my God.’
The student reportedly received a well-deserved A+
Nursery Rhymes Q&A May 22, 2010
Why did Cinderella make such a bad tennis player?
Because she had a pumpkin for a coach.
Why did Jack make such a bad spy?
Because he did not know his beans talk.
Quotes that might kill you June 19, 2010
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. ~Attributed to Arthur McBride Bloch
A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn't. ~Author Unknown
If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error. ~John Kenneth
Galbraith, Money: Whence It Came, Where It Went
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. ~Aldous Huxley
The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the
people who say he is very good. ~Robert Graves
Quotes that might kill you July 31, 2010
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to
contact us. ~Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes
It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper,
that's the time to do it. ~Author Unknown
A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark
glasses to avoid being recognized. ~Fred Allen
Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant
fact that there are only ten of them. ~H.L. Mencken
A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.
Rowan Atkinson Stand-up August 15, 2010
Rowan Atkinson - 'The Piano Player'
Rowan Atkinson - Invisible Drum Kit
November 30, 2010
Leslie Nielsen died recently. He was known for his deadpan delivery in the wacky
Airplane and Naked Gun movies. Here are a few of his funny lines:
Just think; next time I shoot someone, I could be arrested.
Frank: Well, when I see five weirdos, dressed in togas, stabbing a man in the
middle of the park in full view of a hundred people, I shoot the bastards, that's *my*
Mayor: That was a Shakespeare-In-The-Park production of 'Julius Caesar,' you
moron! You killed five actors! Good ones!
Jane, since I've met you, I've noticed things that I never knew were there before...
birds singing, dew glistening on a newly formed leaf, stoplights.
Rumack: You'd better tell the Captain we've got to land as soon as we can. This
woman has to be gotten to a hospital.
Elaine Dickinson: A hospital! What is it?
Rumack: It's a big building with patients, but that's not important right now.
Rumack: Can you fly this plane, and land it?
Ted Striker: Surely you can't be serious.
Rumack: I am serious... and don't call me Shirley.
Frank: Now, Jane, what can you tell us about the man you saw last night?
Jane: He's Caucasian.
Jane: Yeah, you know, a white guy. A moustache. About six-foot-three.
Frank: Awfully big moustache.
January 5, 2011
Rowan Atkinson - Conservative Conference
Some Yogi Berra-isms
" It's deja vu all over again"
" When you come to a fork in the road....Take it "
After losing a game, " We made too many wrong mistakes"
" You can observe a lot by watching "
" The future ain't what it used to be "
February 9, 2011
When the prime minister, Lord Palmerston, at 80, was cited in the divorce of a Mrs.
O'Kane, the Pall Mall clubmen asked, "She was Kane, but was he Able?
FROM SUBMITTED INSURANCE CLAIM FORMS March 9, 2011
*Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
*The other car collided with mine without giving me warning of its intention.
*I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through
*I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
*A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
*The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve several times before I hit him.
*I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother in law and headed
over the embankment.
*In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
*I had been shopping for a plant all day and was on my way home. As I reached an
inter-section a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other
*I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an
*I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave
way causing me to have an accident and damage my big end.
June 29, 2011
A: How do you keep a crashing bore in suspense?
B: I don't know. How?
A: I'll tell you tomorrow.
October 12, 2011
Three apples changed the world ... Adam's apple, Newton's apple and Steve Jobs'
From Graham Greene's Third Man: July 16, 2011
"Don't be so gloomy," said Harry Lime. "In Italy for thirty years under the Borgias,
they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed but they produced Michelangelo,
Leonardo Da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, 500
years of democracy and peace - and what did that produce?The Cuckoo Clock."
Jokes July 8, 2011
To help someone before they commit a crime means you are their
To help someone after they commit a crime means you are their attorney.
A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them
belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented.
The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and
fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest
The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from
chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is
an older profession than medicine."
Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created all of the
chaos and confusion?"
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
A divorce court judge said to the husband, "Mr Geraghty,I have reviewed this case
very carefully and I've decided to give your wife $800 a week."
"That's very fair,your honour," he replied. "And every now and then I'll try to send
her a few bucks myself."
How do you make a group of lawyers to smile for a photo?
Just say, "Fees."
November 14, 2011
Einstein was on a lecture tour giving the same lecture again and again in different
towns. He was complaining to his chauffeur of boredom doing this when the
chauffeur had a brilliant idea. He said he was a bit of an actor and he had heard the
lecture so many times, he could deliver it easily.
So, he put on a mustache, touched his hair and proceeded to give a perfect lecture
in the next town. When it was over, however, one of the audience members asked a
difficult question. Undaunted, the chauffeur announced, "This is such an easy
question, I think I'll have my chauffeur answer it," and he pointed to Einstein sitting
in the rear, dressed as a chauffeur.
December 23, 2011
Sakini in the movie "Teahouse of the August Moon"
Pain make man think
Thought make man wise
Wisdom make life endurable
January 6, 2012
Dinner For One -- The Classic Skit with the heads of Merkel and Sarkozy replacing
the original actors!
And here is the original in a color version
THE ENGINEER AND ENGINEERING
1. Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one
said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I
was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman
rode up on this bike, threw it on the ground, took off her clothes and said, 'Take
what you want.''' The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good
choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
2. To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
3. A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly
slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We've been
waiting 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such
inept golfers!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper, let's ask him." He
said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with the group ahead of us? They're rather
slow aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind
fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we
always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The
priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The
doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and
see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they
play at night?"
4. Four engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible
designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer, just look at
all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous
system has many thousands of electrical connections." The third said, "It was
obviously a chemical engineer, just think about all the reactions taking place each
second in the body." The last one said, "You're all wrong, it had to have been a
civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational
5. Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers (at Microsoft?)
believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
6. What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.
THE ARTS GRADUATE
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with
an engineering degree asks, "How does it work”? The graduate with an
accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts
degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
The gospel of St John according to Rowan Atkinson VIDEO
Father of the Bride-- Rowan Atkinson VIDEO
Just for Laughs Gags -- Jesus makes money VIDEO
Just for Laughs -- Collection VIDEO
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be
an optical Aleutian .
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a
weapon of math disruption.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
A dog gave birth to puppies by the sidewalk and was cited for littering.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
A hole has been found in a nudist camp wall. The police are looking into
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He was fat because he couldn't stop eating pi.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway One hat said to the
other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine .
A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess
looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak
and heat it too.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says
'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.
There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at
least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Bob Newhart on Walter Raleigh discovering tobacco in the New World
THE BRICKLAYER'S STORY by Gerard Hoffnung
The text is given below. In it a bricklayer requests sick leave describing the incident leading to his
I've got this thing here that I must read to you.
Now, this is a very tragic thing... I shouldn't, really, read it out.
A striking lesson in keeping the upper lip stiff is given in a recent number of the weekly bulletin of
'The Federation of Civil Engineering Contractors' that prints the following letter from a bricklayer
in Golders Green to the firm for whom he works.
when I got to the top of the building, I found that the hurricane had knocked down some bricks off
the top. So I rigged up a beam, with a pulley, at the top of the building and hoisted up a couple of
barrels of bricks.
When I had fixed the building, there was a lot of bricks left over.
I hoisted the barrel back up again and secured the line at the bottom and then went up and filled
the barrel with the extra bricks.
Then, I went to the bottom and cast off the rope.
Unfortunately, the barrel of bricks was heavier than I was and before I knew what was happening,
the barrel started down, jerking me off the ground.
I decided to hang on!
Halfway up, I met the barrel coming down... and received a severe blow on the shoulder.
I then continued to the top, banging my head against the beam and getting my fingers jammed in
When the barrel hit the ground, it burst it's bottom... allowing all the bricks to spill out.
I was now heavier than the barrel and so started down again at high speed!
Halfway down... I met the barrel coming up and received severe injury to my shins!
When I hit the ground... I landed on the bricks, getting several painful cuts from the sharp edges!
At this point... I must have lost my presence of mind... because I let go of the line!
The barrel then came down... giving me a very heavy blow and putting me in hospital!
I respectfully request 'sick leave'.
President Nixon and General Secretary Brezhnev are debating the merits of American
democracy. “In our country,” Nixon says, “anyone can stand outside the White House and call me
“Why, we have exactly the same freedoms in the Soviet Union,” retorts the Russian leader. “Our
people are also welcome to stand outside the Kremlin and call you a pig.”
December 12, 2013
The Trouble with Harry
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher
asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter
than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation
was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his
questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the Third-grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that suggests a lot of heat and
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, "Put Harry in 4th-grade, I got the last five questions wrong... "
June was driving home from one of her business trips in Arizona when she saw an old Indian
woman walking along the side of the road.
It was hot and the road seemed to stretch for miles. She stopped the car and offered a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got in.
As she drove, June tried in vain to make some small talk. But the old woman sat silent, looking
intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown sack beside
June on the seat.
'What in sack?' asked the old woman.
June looked down at the brown sack replying, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The old woman was silent for a moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an Indian
elder, she observed ...
February 26, 2015
Alan Johnson, the old Labour Party stalwart (in the UK), tells a story from his youth when
he took a post office job delivering mail in the Berkshires. As recounted in the New
Statesman (February 26, 2015), he was on his rounds when a dog started yapping and
nipping at his heels. A second floor window opened and a lady trilled in a posh voice,
"Kick his balls, kick his balls."
Alan's boot promptly made contact with the dog's testicles.
"No, no, you silly little man," the lady screamed from the window, "the plastic balls on the
Dec 20, 2013
Christmas Party Tale -- Take a Cab!
With the holidays upon us I would like to share an experience with my
family & friends about drinking and driving. As you may know some of us
have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on
the way home after a "social evening" out with friends.
Well, a couple days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had
several cocktails, followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly,
I still had the sense to know that I might be over the limit. That's
when I did something that I've never done before ... I took a cab home!
Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it
was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This
was a real relief and surprise because ...
I had never driven a cab before. I don't even know where I got it, and now
that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it!!!
March 1, 2016
There is a venerable anecdote about the President Coolidge touring an experimental U.S.
governmental farm with his wife. When she reached the chicken yard, she noticed with
interest a rooster frantically copulating with a hen. “How often does he do that?” she asked
one of the farmhands. Informed that it was dozens of times a day, she instructed the
farmhand, “Tell the president that when he comes by.”
The farmhand did, to which the president asked, “Same hen every time?” No, a different one
each time, the farmhand replied, to which the president retorted: “Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge.”
P.S.: Coolidge biographer Shlaes says she tried like crazy to find evidence to support the
chicken anecdote. “I did not find evidence it was true,” she added. Sadly.