ofthisandthat Humor |
Zardari Jokes July 24, 2009
Mr. Asif Ali Zardari is the current President of Pakistan. He has tasked his country’s top investigation
agency to go after those who send, receive, or forward funny or derogatory text messages about the
country’s president. Anyone sending or receiving jokes about Zardari now faces the threat of a 14-year
jail sentence. Some say this will actually encourage further ridicule of the Pakistan President, portrayed
often in these text messages as a thief, a dog, a traitor or a demon.
Q: How many zardari jokes are there on the Internet?
A: Only one. The rest are all true.
Robber: “Give me all your money!”
Zardari: “Don’t you know who I am? I am Asif Ali Zardari.”
Robber: “OK. Give me all my money”
TV anchor announcing:
Terrorists have kidnapped our beloved Zardari and are demanding $5,000,000 or they will burn him with
petrol. Please donate what you can. I have donated five liters.”
Postmaster General announcing
To commemorate the ascension to the Presidency, Pakistan Post has officially launched a new stamp.
But the people of Pakistan are confused which side of the stamp to spit on.
Announcement In Zardari’s official airplane…
Mr. President , We are about to land.
Could you please put Sherry Rehman (former Information Minister) in an upright position. Thank you….
________________________________________________________________________________
Joke told by Chilean journalist to President Obama during President
Michelle Bachelet's White House visit:
Why haven't there been attempted coups in Washington DC?
Because there's no US Embassy there.
__________________________________________________________________________________
Da end is near --- contributed by Zeenat Mansoor
Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church and Pastor
Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road.
They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that read:
’Da End is Near Turn Yo Sef ‘Roun Now Afore It Be Too Late!’
As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, ‘You religious nuts!’
From the curve they heard screeching tires, and a big splash…
Boudreaux turns to Thibodaux and asks, "Do ya tink mebbe da sign should jussay…..’Da
Bridge is Out’ ?"
Shakespeare Rewrite June 23, 2009
Shakespeare Rewrite --- Rowan Atkinson and Hugh Laurie VIDEO HERE
Hilarious Stand-up June 20, 2009
Rowan Atkinson (who played Mr, Bean) doing stand-up VIDEO HERE
Lawyer Joke June 17, 2009
Someone was looking for an honest lawyer and decided to interview a few. The first
candidate was asked if he was honest.
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so
honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the
minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."
Kids Jokes June 17, 2009
Q: What did one dandelion say to the other dandelion?
A: Take me to your weeder.
Q: What kind of shoes do you make with banana skins?
A: Slippers!
Q: What did the rug say to the floor?
A: I've got you covered!
Q: How do you make antifreeze?
A: You steal her blanket.
Q: Why does a cow wear a bell?
A: Because her horns don't work.
Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
A: A bulldoser.
Q: What did the adding machine say to the cashier?
A: You can count on me.
Q: What is the best way to keep dogs out of the street?
A: Put them in a barking lot.
HEALTH AND NUTRITION --- from Zeenat Mansoor
You gotta love this doctor!
Q: Doctor, I heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on
exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you
live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.
Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn.
And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient
mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.
Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.
You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!!
It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming well for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and
diets.
And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an
attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one
hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming
'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
ENGLISH ABROAD --- from Zeenat Mansoor
CRICKET WISDOM --- contributed by Zeenat Mansoor
The first testicular guard was used in cricket in
1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.
It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain
is also important!
CHILDBIRTH
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "Our baby is coming. Her contractions are only two
minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"
__________________________________________________________________________________
ORGANIZATIONAL MANAGEMENT --- THE MONKEY'S VIEW
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels.
Some monkeys are climbing up, some coming down.
The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
_________________________________________________________________________________
JESUS AND THE ROBBER
One night a robber broke into a home and heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you!" while
he rummaged through the desk.
He replied, "Who said that?!"
Once again he heard the same thing, "Jesus is watching you!"
The robber looked around the room only to see a parrot. He asked the parrot what its name
was. The parrot replied, "Cornelius."
The robber said, "What kind of a name is that?! Who names a parrot that?!"
The parrot said, "The same person who named that rotweiler behind you Jesus!"
THE FROG AND THE PSYCHIC
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young
girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."
FARMER JOHNSON'S LAST WISH
Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he
sad to his wife: "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."
Wife: "No, I can't marry anyone after you."
Johnson: "But I want you to."
Wife: "But why?"
Johnson: "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"
Aphorisms?
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
________________________________________________________________________________
KIDS JOKES
Q: Why does a flamingo lift up one leg?
A: Because if it lifted both legs it would fall over!
Q: Why do birds fly south in the winter?
A: Because it's too far to walk!
Q: What is a polygon?
A: A dead parrot!
Q: Why did the poor dog chase his own tail?
A: He was trying to make both ends meet!
Q: What happens when it rains cats and dogs?
A: You can step in a poodle!
Q: Why are dogs like phones?
A: Because they have collar IDs.
Q: What did one flea say to the other?
A: Should we walk or take a dog?
Q: What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?
A: Ruff!
BEAR HUNTING JOKES
Two seniors went bear hunting. Driving down a country road, they came upon a fork in the road and a
sign saying, "Bear Left". So they went home.
A lawyer out bear hunting shot and wounded a huge grizzly. The angry bear charged him. Dropping his
rifle, he ran as fast as he could to a cabin in the distance. With the bear gaining on him, he barely
made it to the invitingly open front door tripping on the ledge and falling flat on his face. By this time,
the bear was right behind, tripped on him and tumbled into the cabin. The lawyer got up, looked at the
startled man inside and slamming the door shut, shouted, "You skin this one while I go get another."
Irish Jokes --- Guaranteed to put a smile on your face! --- from Zeenat Mansoor
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a
parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass
every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to
heaven?'
The man said, 'I do, Father.'
The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'
Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.
'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'
The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to
go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right
now.
Paddy was in New York . He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street
crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the
traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said,
'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he
had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'
'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut .
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor
of the car.
He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'
'Just water,' says the priest.
The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'
The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'
_________________________________________________________________________________
The following "Scotsman" joke does not represent any I know; to me, they have been among
the most generous.
The phrase, however, is almost generic for someone careful with his money. No offense
intended.
An Arab sheik was seriously injured in an accident and a Scotsman donated the blood for an emergency
blood transfusion. It saved the Arab's life and he was so grateful he presented a large Mercedes to the
Scot.
Surprisingly, the Arab had another mishap and underwent the same process. This time though, the Scot
received just a box of chocolates and a thank you note.
Somewhat upset, the Scot confronted the Arab who replied, "You know, I am a new man now. I have
Scottish blood running through my veins."
_________________________________________________________________________________
Senate Slander
A member of the United States Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, exploded one day in
mid-session and began to shout, "Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"
All the other Senators demanded that the angry member withdraw his statement, or be removed from
the remainder of the session.
After a long pause, the angry member acquiesced. "OK," he said, "I withdraw what I said. Half of this
Senate is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"
The Lawyer and the Electrical Engineer
A lawyer and a very smart electrical engineer were out backpacking in the woods when they heard a
fearsome thrashing and growling. In the distance was a huge grizzly just getting ready to charge. The
lawyer dropped his backpack, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started to remove his hiking boots.
"What do you think you're doing?" said the engineer. "I can calculate precisely how long it'll take that
bear to catch up with you and it won't be very far."
"You don't get it," replied the lawyer. "You super-smart guys never get it. I'm not going to be running
faster than the bear --- just faster than you."
Keeping to the Speed Limit
A state trooper spied a car puttering along at 22 MPH. So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver
over. Approaching the car, he noticed that five old guys were inside, and they looked wide-eyed and
terribly pale.
The driver pleaded with him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What
seems to be the problem?"
"Sir," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but driving slower than the speed limit can also be
dangerous."
"I beg to differ, Officer, I was doing the speed limit exactly: twenty-two miles an hour!" the old man said.
The trooper, chuckling, explained to him that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit
embarrassed, the man grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out his error.
"But before I let you go, Sir, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These guys seem awfully shaken."
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute," the old man said. "We just got off Route 119."
Balls...
A man was exploring caves by the Seashore. In one of the caves he found a canvas bag with a bunch
of hardened clay balls. It was like someone had rolled clay balls and left them out in the sun to bake.
They didn't look like much, but they intrigued the man, so he took the bag out of the cave with him.
As he strolled along the beach, he would throw the clay balls one at a time out into the ocean as far as
he could. He thought little about it, until he dropped one of the clay balls and it cracked open on a rock
.. Inside was a beautiful, precious stone!
Excited, the man started breaking open the remaining clay balls. Each contained a similar treasure.
He found thousands of dollars worth of jewels in the 20 or so clay balls he had left.
Then it struck him. He had been on the beach a long time. He had thrown maybe 50 or 60 of the clay
balls with their hidden treasure into the ocean waves. Instead of thousands of dollars in treasure, he
could have taken home tens of thousands, but he had just thrown it away!
It's like that with people. We look at someone, maybe even ourselves, and we see the external clay
vessel. It doesn't look like much from the outside. It isn't always beautiful or sparkling, so we discount it.
We see that person as less important than someone more beautiful or stylish or well known or wealthy.
But we have not taken the time to find the treasure hidden inside that person.
There is a treasure in each and every one of us. If we take the time to get to know that person, and if
we ask God to show us that person the way He sees them, then the clay begins to peel away and the
brilliant gem begins to shine forth.
May we not come to the end of our lives and find out that we have thrown away a fortune in friendships
because the gems were hidden in bits of clay. May we see the people in our world as God sees them.
As he was musing, his mind filled with thoughts of love for his fellow creatures of his beloved God, his
foot kicked an enormous clay ball. Nursing his toe, he mouthed a foul expletive, but remembering God
he bit his lip for he did not wish to prejudice his chances of Heaven. He looked at the ball again; it was
huge, and he was now certain God had rewarded him for his insights and purity of vision. He looked for
a suitable rock to crack it open and claim his prize. It was not easy for the size of the ball required a
very large rock, and there were not too many large rocks to be found on the seashore. But he found
one eventually. He could hardly contain his excitement in anticipation of his reward. He gave the ball a
resounding thwack. It split open to reveal a rolled treasure-map like parchment which he unraveled with
trembling fingers. It was a brief message, "Sometimes a clay ball is just a clay ball."
Test for Idiocy
Below are four questions and a Bonus question. You have to answer
them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of immediately.
Okay?
Let's find out just how clever you really are....
Ready? GO!!!
First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What
position are you in?
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely
wrong! If you overtake the second person, you take his place, so you are
second!
Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the next question.
but don't take as much time as you took on the first one, OK?
Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are?
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
Answer: if you answered that you are second to last, then
you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the
LAST person?
You're not very good at this, are you?
Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your
head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator.
Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it.. Now add another 1000. Now
add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another
1000. Now add 10. What is the total?
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
Did you get 5000?
The correct answer is actually 4100.
If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator! Today is
definitely not your day, is it? Maybe you'll get the last
question right....
Maybe...
Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana,
2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
Did you answer Nunu?
NO! of course it is't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!
Okay, now the bonus round:
A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By
imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself
to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of
sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
He just has to open his mouth and ask... it's really very simple... like you!
Pass this on to frustrate the smart people!
Mr. Asif Ali Zardari is the current President of Pakistan. He has tasked his country’s top investigation
agency to go after those who send, receive, or forward funny or derogatory text messages about the
country’s president. Anyone sending or receiving jokes about Zardari now faces the threat of a 14-year
jail sentence. Some say this will actually encourage further ridicule of the Pakistan President, portrayed
often in these text messages as a thief, a dog, a traitor or a demon.
Q: How many zardari jokes are there on the Internet?
A: Only one. The rest are all true.
Robber: “Give me all your money!”
Zardari: “Don’t you know who I am? I am Asif Ali Zardari.”
Robber: “OK. Give me all my money”
TV anchor announcing:
Terrorists have kidnapped our beloved Zardari and are demanding $5,000,000 or they will burn him with
petrol. Please donate what you can. I have donated five liters.”
Postmaster General announcing
To commemorate the ascension to the Presidency, Pakistan Post has officially launched a new stamp.
But the people of Pakistan are confused which side of the stamp to spit on.
Announcement In Zardari’s official airplane…
Mr. President , We are about to land.
Could you please put Sherry Rehman (former Information Minister) in an upright position. Thank you….
________________________________________________________________________________
Joke told by Chilean journalist to President Obama during President
Michelle Bachelet's White House visit:
Why haven't there been attempted coups in Washington DC?
Because there's no US Embassy there.
__________________________________________________________________________________
Da end is near --- contributed by Zeenat Mansoor
Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church and Pastor
Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road.
They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that read:
’Da End is Near Turn Yo Sef ‘Roun Now Afore It Be Too Late!’
As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, ‘You religious nuts!’
From the curve they heard screeching tires, and a big splash…
Boudreaux turns to Thibodaux and asks, "Do ya tink mebbe da sign should jussay…..’Da
Bridge is Out’ ?"
Shakespeare Rewrite June 23, 2009
Shakespeare Rewrite --- Rowan Atkinson and Hugh Laurie VIDEO HERE
Hilarious Stand-up June 20, 2009
Rowan Atkinson (who played Mr, Bean) doing stand-up VIDEO HERE
Lawyer Joke June 17, 2009
Someone was looking for an honest lawyer and decided to interview a few. The first
candidate was asked if he was honest.
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so
honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the
minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."
Kids Jokes June 17, 2009
Q: What did one dandelion say to the other dandelion?
A: Take me to your weeder.
Q: What kind of shoes do you make with banana skins?
A: Slippers!
Q: What did the rug say to the floor?
A: I've got you covered!
Q: How do you make antifreeze?
A: You steal her blanket.
Q: Why does a cow wear a bell?
A: Because her horns don't work.
Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
A: A bulldoser.
Q: What did the adding machine say to the cashier?
A: You can count on me.
Q: What is the best way to keep dogs out of the street?
A: Put them in a barking lot.
HEALTH AND NUTRITION --- from Zeenat Mansoor
You gotta love this doctor!
Q: Doctor, I heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on
exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you
live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.
Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn.
And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient
mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.
Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.
You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!!
It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming well for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and
diets.
And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an
attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one
hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming
'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
ENGLISH ABROAD --- from Zeenat Mansoor
- Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11am daily."
-- A sign in a hotel in Athens. - Dirty Water Punishment Place" -- How a sewage treatment plant was marked on a Tokyo
map. - "The manager has personally passed all the water served here." -- A sign in an
Acapulco hotel. - "Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up." -- A sign in a Leipzig elevator.
- "Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension." --
A sign in an Austrian hotel catering to skiers. - "We take your bags and send them in all directions." -- A sign in a Copenhagen airline
ticket office. - "Ladies may have a fit upstairs." -- A sign outside a Hong Kong tailor shop.
CRICKET WISDOM --- contributed by Zeenat Mansoor
The first testicular guard was used in cricket in
1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.
It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain
is also important!
CHILDBIRTH
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "Our baby is coming. Her contractions are only two
minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"
__________________________________________________________________________________
ORGANIZATIONAL MANAGEMENT --- THE MONKEY'S VIEW
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels.
Some monkeys are climbing up, some coming down.
The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
_________________________________________________________________________________
JESUS AND THE ROBBER
One night a robber broke into a home and heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you!" while
he rummaged through the desk.
He replied, "Who said that?!"
Once again he heard the same thing, "Jesus is watching you!"
The robber looked around the room only to see a parrot. He asked the parrot what its name
was. The parrot replied, "Cornelius."
The robber said, "What kind of a name is that?! Who names a parrot that?!"
The parrot said, "The same person who named that rotweiler behind you Jesus!"
THE FROG AND THE PSYCHIC
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young
girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."
FARMER JOHNSON'S LAST WISH
Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he
sad to his wife: "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."
Wife: "No, I can't marry anyone after you."
Johnson: "But I want you to."
Wife: "But why?"
Johnson: "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"
Aphorisms?
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
________________________________________________________________________________
KIDS JOKES
Q: Why does a flamingo lift up one leg?
A: Because if it lifted both legs it would fall over!
Q: Why do birds fly south in the winter?
A: Because it's too far to walk!
Q: What is a polygon?
A: A dead parrot!
Q: Why did the poor dog chase his own tail?
A: He was trying to make both ends meet!
Q: What happens when it rains cats and dogs?
A: You can step in a poodle!
Q: Why are dogs like phones?
A: Because they have collar IDs.
Q: What did one flea say to the other?
A: Should we walk or take a dog?
Q: What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?
A: Ruff!
BEAR HUNTING JOKES
Two seniors went bear hunting. Driving down a country road, they came upon a fork in the road and a
sign saying, "Bear Left". So they went home.
A lawyer out bear hunting shot and wounded a huge grizzly. The angry bear charged him. Dropping his
rifle, he ran as fast as he could to a cabin in the distance. With the bear gaining on him, he barely
made it to the invitingly open front door tripping on the ledge and falling flat on his face. By this time,
the bear was right behind, tripped on him and tumbled into the cabin. The lawyer got up, looked at the
startled man inside and slamming the door shut, shouted, "You skin this one while I go get another."
Irish Jokes --- Guaranteed to put a smile on your face! --- from Zeenat Mansoor
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a
parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass
every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to
heaven?'
The man said, 'I do, Father.'
The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'
Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.
'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'
The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to
go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right
now.
Paddy was in New York . He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street
crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the
traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said,
'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he
had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'
'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut .
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor
of the car.
He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'
'Just water,' says the priest.
The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'
The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'
_________________________________________________________________________________
The following "Scotsman" joke does not represent any I know; to me, they have been among
the most generous.
The phrase, however, is almost generic for someone careful with his money. No offense
intended.
An Arab sheik was seriously injured in an accident and a Scotsman donated the blood for an emergency
blood transfusion. It saved the Arab's life and he was so grateful he presented a large Mercedes to the
Scot.
Surprisingly, the Arab had another mishap and underwent the same process. This time though, the Scot
received just a box of chocolates and a thank you note.
Somewhat upset, the Scot confronted the Arab who replied, "You know, I am a new man now. I have
Scottish blood running through my veins."
_________________________________________________________________________________
- Old age is starting your engine and having to let it run a while before moving.
- I never forget a face but in your case I'll make an exception.
- I was married by a judge; I should have asked for a jury.
Senate Slander
A member of the United States Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, exploded one day in
mid-session and began to shout, "Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"
All the other Senators demanded that the angry member withdraw his statement, or be removed from
the remainder of the session.
After a long pause, the angry member acquiesced. "OK," he said, "I withdraw what I said. Half of this
Senate is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"
The Lawyer and the Electrical Engineer
A lawyer and a very smart electrical engineer were out backpacking in the woods when they heard a
fearsome thrashing and growling. In the distance was a huge grizzly just getting ready to charge. The
lawyer dropped his backpack, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started to remove his hiking boots.
"What do you think you're doing?" said the engineer. "I can calculate precisely how long it'll take that
bear to catch up with you and it won't be very far."
"You don't get it," replied the lawyer. "You super-smart guys never get it. I'm not going to be running
faster than the bear --- just faster than you."
Keeping to the Speed Limit
A state trooper spied a car puttering along at 22 MPH. So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver
over. Approaching the car, he noticed that five old guys were inside, and they looked wide-eyed and
terribly pale.
The driver pleaded with him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What
seems to be the problem?"
"Sir," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but driving slower than the speed limit can also be
dangerous."
"I beg to differ, Officer, I was doing the speed limit exactly: twenty-two miles an hour!" the old man said.
The trooper, chuckling, explained to him that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit
embarrassed, the man grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out his error.
"But before I let you go, Sir, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These guys seem awfully shaken."
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute," the old man said. "We just got off Route 119."
Balls...
A man was exploring caves by the Seashore. In one of the caves he found a canvas bag with a bunch
of hardened clay balls. It was like someone had rolled clay balls and left them out in the sun to bake.
They didn't look like much, but they intrigued the man, so he took the bag out of the cave with him.
As he strolled along the beach, he would throw the clay balls one at a time out into the ocean as far as
he could. He thought little about it, until he dropped one of the clay balls and it cracked open on a rock
.. Inside was a beautiful, precious stone!
Excited, the man started breaking open the remaining clay balls. Each contained a similar treasure.
He found thousands of dollars worth of jewels in the 20 or so clay balls he had left.
Then it struck him. He had been on the beach a long time. He had thrown maybe 50 or 60 of the clay
balls with their hidden treasure into the ocean waves. Instead of thousands of dollars in treasure, he
could have taken home tens of thousands, but he had just thrown it away!
It's like that with people. We look at someone, maybe even ourselves, and we see the external clay
vessel. It doesn't look like much from the outside. It isn't always beautiful or sparkling, so we discount it.
We see that person as less important than someone more beautiful or stylish or well known or wealthy.
But we have not taken the time to find the treasure hidden inside that person.
There is a treasure in each and every one of us. If we take the time to get to know that person, and if
we ask God to show us that person the way He sees them, then the clay begins to peel away and the
brilliant gem begins to shine forth.
May we not come to the end of our lives and find out that we have thrown away a fortune in friendships
because the gems were hidden in bits of clay. May we see the people in our world as God sees them.
As he was musing, his mind filled with thoughts of love for his fellow creatures of his beloved God, his
foot kicked an enormous clay ball. Nursing his toe, he mouthed a foul expletive, but remembering God
he bit his lip for he did not wish to prejudice his chances of Heaven. He looked at the ball again; it was
huge, and he was now certain God had rewarded him for his insights and purity of vision. He looked for
a suitable rock to crack it open and claim his prize. It was not easy for the size of the ball required a
very large rock, and there were not too many large rocks to be found on the seashore. But he found
one eventually. He could hardly contain his excitement in anticipation of his reward. He gave the ball a
resounding thwack. It split open to reveal a rolled treasure-map like parchment which he unraveled with
trembling fingers. It was a brief message, "Sometimes a clay ball is just a clay ball."
Test for Idiocy
Below are four questions and a Bonus question. You have to answer
them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of immediately.
Okay?
Let's find out just how clever you really are....
Ready? GO!!!
First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What
position are you in?
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely
wrong! If you overtake the second person, you take his place, so you are
second!
Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the next question.
but don't take as much time as you took on the first one, OK?
Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are?
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
Answer: if you answered that you are second to last, then
you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the
LAST person?
You're not very good at this, are you?
Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your
head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator.
Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it.. Now add another 1000. Now
add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another
1000. Now add 10. What is the total?
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
Did you get 5000?
The correct answer is actually 4100.
If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator! Today is
definitely not your day, is it? Maybe you'll get the last
question right....
Maybe...
Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana,
2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
Did you answer Nunu?
NO! of course it is't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!
Okay, now the bonus round:
A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By
imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself
to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of
sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
He just has to open his mouth and ask... it's really very simple... like you!
Pass this on to frustrate the smart people!
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Rowan Atkinson Stand-up August 9, 2009
'Hell' VIDEO
'Conservative Conference' VIDEO
'Hell' VIDEO
'Conservative Conference' VIDEO
August 19, 2009
From an Irish website ---
Air traffic controller to Aer Lingus pilot: "What's your height and position?"
Aer Lingus pilot to air traffic control: "I'm 5'10 and I'm sittin' up at the front".
From an Irish website ---
Air traffic controller to Aer Lingus pilot: "What's your height and position?"
Aer Lingus pilot to air traffic control: "I'm 5'10 and I'm sittin' up at the front".
The Thoughtful Wife September 8, 2009
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer walks up to the drivers open window and says, "I
clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs
calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says, "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't
have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep
your mouth shut for once!!?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear, you should be thankful your radar detector went off
when it did or your speed would have been higher."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife
and says through clenched teeth, "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an
automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so
that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear
your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY
DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
(You'll love this part)
"Only when he's been drinking!"
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer walks up to the drivers open window and says, "I
clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs
calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says, "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't
have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep
your mouth shut for once!!?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear, you should be thankful your radar detector went off
when it did or your speed would have been higher."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife
and says through clenched teeth, "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an
automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so
that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear
your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY
DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
(You'll love this part)
"Only when he's been drinking!"
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers
to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,
subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the 2009 winners:
1. Cas/h/tration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignora/n/us : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Int/a/xication : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts
until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Rein/t/arnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5./ B/ozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately,
shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Forepl/o/y : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose
of getting laid.
7.. G/i/raffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarc/h/asm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculat/t/e : To take coffee / /intravenously when you are
running late.
10. Osteopor/n/osis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11./ K/armageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all
these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes
and it's like, a serious bummer, right?
12. Deca/f/alon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.
13./ G/libido : All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebu/g/ (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets
into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterp/a/llor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a
worm in the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to
its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate
meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
1. Coffee , n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted , adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one
has gained.
3. Abdicate , v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
- Ahmen!!!!!!!!!!
4. Esplanade , v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly , adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent , adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing
only a nightgown.
7. Lymph , v.. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle , n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence , n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has
been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash , n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle , n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude , n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by
proctologists.
13. Pokemon , n.. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster , n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with
Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism , n. The belief that, after death, the soul
flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,
subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the 2009 winners:
1. Cas/h/tration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignora/n/us : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Int/a/xication : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts
until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Rein/t/arnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5./ B/ozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately,
shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Forepl/o/y : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose
of getting laid.
7.. G/i/raffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarc/h/asm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculat/t/e : To take coffee / /intravenously when you are
running late.
10. Osteopor/n/osis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11./ K/armageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all
these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes
and it's like, a serious bummer, right?
12. Deca/f/alon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.
13./ G/libido : All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebu/g/ (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets
into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterp/a/llor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a
worm in the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to
its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate
meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
1. Coffee , n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted , adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one
has gained.
3. Abdicate , v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
- Ahmen!!!!!!!!!!
4. Esplanade , v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly , adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent , adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing
only a nightgown.
7. Lymph , v.. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle , n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence , n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has
been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash , n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle , n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude , n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by
proctologists.
13. Pokemon , n.. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster , n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with
Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism , n. The belief that, after death, the soul
flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
Zardari in Israel --- from Zeenat Mansoor
Zardari goes on a state visit to Israel.
While on tour in Jerusalem, he suffers a heart attack and passes away.
The undertaker tells the accompanying people, 'You can have him shipped home for US$500,000, or
you can bury him here, in the Holy Land , for just US$100.'
The Pakistanis go into a corner and discuss for a minute. They come back to the undertaker and tell
him they want Zardari shipped home.
The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend $500,000 to ship him home, when it
would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100?
With the money you save you could buy enough diesel for a year, buy enough medicines to wipe out
cholera, buy enough generators to never have blackouts again.'
The Pakistani's replied, 'Long ago a man named JESUS died and was buried here, and three days
later he rose from the dead.
We just can't take that chance with this man.'
Zardari goes on a state visit to Israel.
While on tour in Jerusalem, he suffers a heart attack and passes away.
The undertaker tells the accompanying people, 'You can have him shipped home for US$500,000, or
you can bury him here, in the Holy Land , for just US$100.'
The Pakistanis go into a corner and discuss for a minute. They come back to the undertaker and tell
him they want Zardari shipped home.
The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend $500,000 to ship him home, when it
would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100?
With the money you save you could buy enough diesel for a year, buy enough medicines to wipe out
cholera, buy enough generators to never have blackouts again.'
The Pakistani's replied, 'Long ago a man named JESUS died and was buried here, and three days
later he rose from the dead.
We just can't take that chance with this man.'
Barack n' Bernanke's Repair Shop
by Abell Smith
CARTOON HERE
Source: Fighting Words Comics
by Abell Smith
CARTOON HERE
Source: Fighting Words Comics
Humor January 18, 2010
.....Look on the bright side. They finally found a WMD. Not in the desert wastes of Iraq, nor in the
cellar of one of Saddam Hussein’s palaces. Not in an Iranian nuclear facility. In Umar Farouk
Abdulmutallab’s underwear. He’s been charged by a US grand jury with “attempted use of a weapon
of mass destruction.” Who’d have thought it could be so small? Or that “mass” could mean
something less than a four digit casualty list? .... Alexander Cockburn in Counterpunch.
.....Look on the bright side. They finally found a WMD. Not in the desert wastes of Iraq, nor in the
cellar of one of Saddam Hussein’s palaces. Not in an Iranian nuclear facility. In Umar Farouk
Abdulmutallab’s underwear. He’s been charged by a US grand jury with “attempted use of a weapon
of mass destruction.” Who’d have thought it could be so small? Or that “mass” could mean
something less than a four digit casualty list? .... Alexander Cockburn in Counterpunch.
January 24, 2010
15 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR DAUGHTERS - FROM ZEENAT MANSOOR
1. Don't imagine you can change a man -- unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.
3. If they can put a man on the moon -- they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander-- it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest he is too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men
wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes; it means that you laugh at
his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
15 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR DAUGHTERS - FROM ZEENAT MANSOOR
1. Don't imagine you can change a man -- unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.
3. If they can put a man on the moon -- they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander-- it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest he is too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men
wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes; it means that you laugh at
his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
Elephant Behavior January 31, 2010
Q: How do you keep an Elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit card.
Q: How do you keep an Elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit card.
February 2, 2010
From the Computer Tech Support Trenches --- contributed by Zeenat Mansoor
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...!
===============
Customer: Hi, this is Celine . I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute.. I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....!
===============
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find
printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still
says he can't find it!
===============
Customer: I have problems printing in red..
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah!....................thank you.
===============
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11!
===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah..that one does work!
===============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as n Victor,
the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?
== =============
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars!
===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
===============
Customer: I have a huge problem.. A friend has placed a screen saver
on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, the screen saver disappears.
===============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address , but how do I get the circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man
sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine!'
= ==============
And last but not least...
Tech support: 'Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That
brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program
Manager.'
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
From the Computer Tech Support Trenches --- contributed by Zeenat Mansoor
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...!
===============
Customer: Hi, this is Celine . I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute.. I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....!
===============
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find
printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still
says he can't find it!
===============
Customer: I have problems printing in red..
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah!....................thank you.
===============
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11!
===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah..that one does work!
===============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as n Victor,
the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?
== =============
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars!
===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
===============
Customer: I have a huge problem.. A friend has placed a screen saver
on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, the screen saver disappears.
===============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address , but how do I get the circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man
sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine!'
= ==============
And last but not least...
Tech support: 'Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That
brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program
Manager.'
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
February 25, 2010
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