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The Porcupine's Quill:  A Satire Column
by Arshad M. Khan
Please scroll down for
the satire column
Porcupine's Quill
Dec 11, 2011


News Item:  Newt Gingrich soars past Mitt Romney in Republican polls after
Herman Cain suspends campaign.

Yes, I am a Newt, dinosaurian in thought, meteoric in rise -- as in climbing
walls, or making others do so after what I say -- and precipitous in fall -- as in
falling off the ceiling.

When I am floating along on a ceiling, the whole world is upside down.  It is a
refreshingly original view, as is my thinking.  So my lucrative firm performs
the noblest of tasks:  education and introductions to enhance fellow feeling
and forge mutually beneficial relationships.  Just because it earns $55
million, the do-nothing snipers of the press snicker and call it a lobbying
firm.  I decry lobbyists; I am not one of them.  I am an education animal.

I am the first newt in lizard family history to earn a PhD ... in history -- a
history PhD making history, that's me.  And I will be President.  This country
deserves a newt.  We have a pedigree going back longer than any human,
and we can perform tasks no human can even attempt.  Plus, I sleep a lot.  
This country does much better under a somnambulist President -- remember
Eisenhower!   The pro-actives get us in trouble.  Elect me and we will all
achieve nirvana.

Sometimes I wonder how we can all be reincarnated as newts ... a nuclear
war?  ... Hmm!