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The Porcupine's Quill: A Satire Column
by Arshad M. Khan
by Arshad M. Khan
Please scroll down for
the satire column
Porcupine's Quill
the satire column
Porcupine's Quill
Dec 11, 2011
THE NEWT
News Item: Newt Gingrich soars past Mitt Romney in Republican polls after
Herman Cain suspends campaign.
Yes, I am a Newt, dinosaurian in thought, meteoric in rise -- as in climbing
walls, or making others do so after what I say -- and precipitous in fall -- as in
falling off the ceiling.
When I am floating along on a ceiling, the whole world is upside down. It is a
refreshingly original view, as is my thinking. So my lucrative firm performs
the noblest of tasks: education and introductions to enhance fellow feeling
and forge mutually beneficial relationships. Just because it earns $55
million, the do-nothing snipers of the press snicker and call it a lobbying
firm. I decry lobbyists; I am not one of them. I am an education animal.
I am the first newt in lizard family history to earn a PhD ... in history -- a
history PhD making history, that's me. And I will be President. This country
deserves a newt. We have a pedigree going back longer than any human,
and we can perform tasks no human can even attempt. Plus, I sleep a lot.
This country does much better under a somnambulist President -- remember
Eisenhower! The pro-actives get us in trouble. Elect me and we will all
achieve nirvana.
Sometimes I wonder how we can all be reincarnated as newts ... a nuclear
war? ... Hmm!
THE NEWT
News Item: Newt Gingrich soars past Mitt Romney in Republican polls after
Herman Cain suspends campaign.
Yes, I am a Newt, dinosaurian in thought, meteoric in rise -- as in climbing
walls, or making others do so after what I say -- and precipitous in fall -- as in
falling off the ceiling.
When I am floating along on a ceiling, the whole world is upside down. It is a
refreshingly original view, as is my thinking. So my lucrative firm performs
the noblest of tasks: education and introductions to enhance fellow feeling
and forge mutually beneficial relationships. Just because it earns $55
million, the do-nothing snipers of the press snicker and call it a lobbying
firm. I decry lobbyists; I am not one of them. I am an education animal.
I am the first newt in lizard family history to earn a PhD ... in history -- a
history PhD making history, that's me. And I will be President. This country
deserves a newt. We have a pedigree going back longer than any human,
and we can perform tasks no human can even attempt. Plus, I sleep a lot.
This country does much better under a somnambulist President -- remember
Eisenhower! The pro-actives get us in trouble. Elect me and we will all
achieve nirvana.
Sometimes I wonder how we can all be reincarnated as newts ... a nuclear
war? ... Hmm!