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The Porcupine's Quill:  A Satire Column
by Arshad M. Khan
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the satire column
Porcupine's Quill

November 1, 2020


News Item:  A huge spider assumed extinct in England has been discovered again.

Yes, I am the great fox spider.

Why do they call you great?

Because in our world I am a large size.

How large are you?

Oh about 55 mm.  That's over two inches.

That's huge!

But it includes my legs, though I have a stout body and I am loaded with poison.  
Don't worry,  I don't attack humans.  I can't chew my food.  So I bite and inject poison
which makes beetles and such into soup on the inside and I slurp it up.  They don't
feel a thing.

Ugh!  How disgusting!

Typically human!  And it's okay to chop up pigs and cows and munch on them?  They
are intelligent creatures and they know what's going to happen to them.

How do you know so much?

Because I have eight eyes and a brain.  Some of us make beautiful webs but I,
Alopecosa fabrilis, stalk my prey and pounce -- just like human hunters.

So you have made a home on British Ministry of Defense land.

Yes, it's safe and pristine.  Humans dare not show up because of gunnery and rifle
practice.  Doesn't bother me.

You don't get blown up.

Blown about, yes!  Blown up, no.  In fact our spiderlings enjoy the game.  Bang!  
Bang!  But for real.

You are pretty smart . . .

Most creatures are, young man.  Now you must excuse me.  I am getting a little
peckish and even a piece of you is looking interesting.


Don't worry . . . just kidding ...