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The Porcupine's Quill: A Satire Column
by Arshad M. Khan
by Arshad M. Khan
Please scroll down for
the satire column
Porcupine's Quill
the satire column
Porcupine's Quill
July 3, 2011
BAT-RAY-US
I am Bat-ray-us. Now I know you
may think I am only a staff officer
with no real battlefield command
experience, but I'll tell you
something: we staff officers
know the system; we know how
to get things done. I just want to
get this off my chest which is
heavy enough with all my medals. I love the military. You can sit at a desk
all your life (in different locations
of course, which makes it even better) and they keep pinning these medals
on you -- medalomania I call it, and, I love it. Maybe I am a medalomaniac.
Ha! Ha! Maybe all of us are. But I am digressing.
What I want to really talk about today is my invention. It is not new -- I have
been using it for a while -- but it has been a secret, and now that I am off to
the See-I-All place, I can reveal it. I am the inventor of the U.S. Bat Ray. No,
it's not a battery -- a Bat Ray. Using echo location and other top secret wave
dispersing technologies, it renders the visible invisible. Yes, you heard it
right, invisible.
Has it been tried? Yes. Has it been successful? A resounding yes! I made
all the insurgents in Iraq invisible while I was there. Poof! Disappeared.
Unfortunately, the Bat Ray device is not user friendly, and my successors
are unable to operate it as effectively as I did. Same story in Afghanistan.
No Taliban ... just their bullets. Damn! I'll soon fix it. Don't worry, I am
Bat-ray-us, the fixer.
BAT-RAY-US
I am Bat-ray-us. Now I know you
may think I am only a staff officer
with no real battlefield command
experience, but I'll tell you
something: we staff officers
know the system; we know how
to get things done. I just want to
get this off my chest which is
heavy enough with all my medals. I love the military. You can sit at a desk
all your life (in different locations
of course, which makes it even better) and they keep pinning these medals
on you -- medalomania I call it, and, I love it. Maybe I am a medalomaniac.
Ha! Ha! Maybe all of us are. But I am digressing.
What I want to really talk about today is my invention. It is not new -- I have
been using it for a while -- but it has been a secret, and now that I am off to
the See-I-All place, I can reveal it. I am the inventor of the U.S. Bat Ray. No,
it's not a battery -- a Bat Ray. Using echo location and other top secret wave
dispersing technologies, it renders the visible invisible. Yes, you heard it
right, invisible.
Has it been tried? Yes. Has it been successful? A resounding yes! I made
all the insurgents in Iraq invisible while I was there. Poof! Disappeared.
Unfortunately, the Bat Ray device is not user friendly, and my successors
are unable to operate it as effectively as I did. Same story in Afghanistan.
No Taliban ... just their bullets. Damn! I'll soon fix it. Don't worry, I am
Bat-ray-us, the fixer.
