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The Porcupine's Quill:  A Satire Column
by Arshad M. Khan
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the satire column
Porcupine's Quill
June 19, 2011


In life, if you can be lucky or brilliant, what would you be?  Most people say
lucky; I say both.  You see, that's the difference between the Grand Ollama
and the ordinary Joe Schmo.  You give someone something, they are
modest; you give me something, I'll take it with both hands.  That chimp
Chump kept asking for my grades and contesting my birth.  Well, I proved
him an idiot on the birth issue and deflected the grades.  Took care of him;
he's out!

Now those grades are a pesky issue.  I came through a time when every
institution was trying to prove they were more racially tolerant than the
other, so if you could say A, B, C and walk halfway straight, they'd take you.  
Fact is, I took them.

I went to Accidental College and enrolled in those crash courses to prepare
for a political career.  Well naturally, I was mostly smashed.  And you want my
grades there!  I thought I had better move, and so I did ... to Coulombia
named after the electrical charge coulomb and I was charged up.  Got my
hair in a frizz and, man, I was movin'.

First to Chicago to pay my political dues as an organizer, then to Halfword
Law.  I was Law Review President.  Used to be that top grades got you there
but that had been changed.  Not enough minority representation!  So half
the editors came by way of a writing competition.  Then they chose the
President, and I played both sides.  Halfword, half truth ... it's the lawyer's
secret.  And now when they ask for grades, they are told I was President of
the Law Review.  It shuts 'em up fast.