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The Porcupine's Quill: A Satire Column
by Arshad M. Khan
by Arshad M. Khan
Please scroll down for
the satire column
Porcupine's Quill
the satire column
Porcupine's Quill
June 19, 2011
A QUESTION OF GRADES AND OTHER THINGS -- THE GRAND OLLAMA SPEAKS
In life, if you can be lucky or brilliant, what would you be? Most people say
lucky; I say both. You see, that's the difference between the Grand Ollama
and the ordinary Joe Schmo. You give someone something, they are
modest; you give me something, I'll take it with both hands. That chimp
Chump kept asking for my grades and contesting my birth. Well, I proved
him an idiot on the birth issue and deflected the grades. Took care of him;
he's out!
Now those grades are a pesky issue. I came through a time when every
institution was trying to prove they were more racially tolerant than the
other, so if you could say A, B, C and walk halfway straight, they'd take you.
Fact is, I took them.
I went to Accidental College and enrolled in those crash courses to prepare
for a political career. Well naturally, I was mostly smashed. And you want my
grades there! I thought I had better move, and so I did ... to Coulombia
named after the electrical charge coulomb and I was charged up. Got my
hair in a frizz and, man, I was movin'.
First to Chicago to pay my political dues as an organizer, then to Halfword
Law. I was Law Review President. Used to be that top grades got you there
but that had been changed. Not enough minority representation! So half
the editors came by way of a writing competition. Then they chose the
President, and I played both sides. Halfword, half truth ... it's the lawyer's
secret. And now when they ask for grades, they are told I was President of
the Law Review. It shuts 'em up fast.
A QUESTION OF GRADES AND OTHER THINGS -- THE GRAND OLLAMA SPEAKS
In life, if you can be lucky or brilliant, what would you be? Most people say
lucky; I say both. You see, that's the difference between the Grand Ollama
and the ordinary Joe Schmo. You give someone something, they are
modest; you give me something, I'll take it with both hands. That chimp
Chump kept asking for my grades and contesting my birth. Well, I proved
him an idiot on the birth issue and deflected the grades. Took care of him;
he's out!
Now those grades are a pesky issue. I came through a time when every
institution was trying to prove they were more racially tolerant than the
other, so if you could say A, B, C and walk halfway straight, they'd take you.
Fact is, I took them.
I went to Accidental College and enrolled in those crash courses to prepare
for a political career. Well naturally, I was mostly smashed. And you want my
grades there! I thought I had better move, and so I did ... to Coulombia
named after the electrical charge coulomb and I was charged up. Got my
hair in a frizz and, man, I was movin'.
First to Chicago to pay my political dues as an organizer, then to Halfword
Law. I was Law Review President. Used to be that top grades got you there
but that had been changed. Not enough minority representation! So half
the editors came by way of a writing competition. Then they chose the
President, and I played both sides. Halfword, half truth ... it's the lawyer's
secret. And now when they ask for grades, they are told I was President of
the Law Review. It shuts 'em up fast.