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The Porcupine's Quill:  A Satire Column
by Arshad M. Khan
Please scroll down for
the satire column
Porcupine's Quill
March 17, 2013


News Item:  John Yoo, the infinitely malleable legal scholar, who furnished the Bush
administration with abundant legal fig leaves ("preemptive war", "torture memos", and
so on) now claims yet another legal justification.  If you have been wronged, one legal
redress is a return to the original state i.e. before the wrong.  Would you like Saddam
back?  He now  asks.

   Once upon a time there lived a very clever shrew named Shrew You, and many
came to him for advice.  The business was lucrative, and he became sleek and fat
and round and famous, though many still kept getting his name confused owing to
the general nature of his legal thought process.

   Ah, Ms. Mag Pie, what can I do for you?

   Well, Mr. Screw You ...

   No, no, no!  The name is Shrew You.

   So sorry!  Well, Mr. Shrew You, I have the habit of taking things that don't belong
to me ...  I am addicted to burglary.

   Yes, and can you say you are poor and need them ...

   Oh yes, Mr. Screw You ... I mean Shrew You.  I have nothing.  These cold winter
days, it's difficult to find enough to eat.

  No problem then, you must never use the word burglary again, Ms. Mag Pie.  What
you are practicing is 'preemptive poverty'.  You have to do what you do to survive,
and everyone has the right of self-defense to protect their lives.

   Oh, thank you!  Thank you!  Mr. Screw You ... I mean Shrew You.

   You are very welcome, Ms. Mag Pie.  Next please.  Ah, Mr. Hawk, what can I do for
you?  The rodents after you again for killing them?  You just have to watch your
vocabulary Mr. Hawk, as I told you before.  Explain to them it is
"preemptive hunger", and they'll soon get used to it.  It is the way of the world.

    And Mr. Shrew You went back to eating ...