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The Porcupine's Quill: A Satire Column
by Arshad M. Khan
Please scroll down for
the satire column
February 23, 2020
TRUMP TO VISIT INDIA
News Item: The White House announced President Donald Trump will be visiting
India. He says he is germphobic.
Mr. President, it's a notoriously dirty country with germs everywhere. That's why
people get all kinds of shots before going there.
I know, I know. I have my own chef and food.
What about the official banquets?
But everywhere you touch, the air you breathe ...
It's all taken care of. Simply amazing ... fantastic things they have to kill germs. It's
the kind of practical innovation making America great again -- MAGA my motto.
So what do you do with the air?
Simple. Nosebuds. See how they work. Blocks your nostrils and the flap opens
when you breathe in. Inside is a complex bug killer system filtering the air.
But, Sir, you sound like a cokehead when you speak.
That's okay. I won't catch anything.
What about touching surfaces and doorknobs?
You know, doors are, and have always been opened for me. But then if I touch
anything or shake hands with my little Indian friend, I have this automatic
anti-bacterial squirter up my sleeve -- a little pressure against my side and the stuff
sprays out. See how it works ...
Sir, the Indians eat with their hands.
Not me. With all the germ killers on my hands, I might get sick. I am carrying my own
antiseptic, disposable knife and fork.
What about the First Lady?
This is America. We take care of our own. The Secret Service is fixing her up.
And the Secret Service itself?
You didn't think we would forget them did you? Who would protect me? They are
fully armed and loaded for germs. Those pesky little beggars don't stand a chance
... American is great again.