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The Porcupine's Quill:  A Satire Column
by Arshad M. Khan
Please scroll down for
the satire column
Porcupine's Quill
January 8, 2017


News Item:  A petition signed by 60,000 already, including arms control experts,
urges President Obama to take nuclear weapons off 'high alert' before his
unpredictable successor is installed.

It's the red phone, Mr. President, the direct line to Moscow.

Hello!  Oh hi Vladimir, what can I do for you?

What can you do for me!!  Donald!!  And I thought you were a friend ...

I am!  I am!

Then why is a fully-loaded ballistic missile coming at us?

What?  I fired the general not more than twenty minutes ago.  Shoot the damn thing
down.  Oh wait a minute they are saying something to me ...  Okay, okay.  Listen
Vlad, they are going to disarm the thing if they can.  They'll also send you the codes
and trajectory.  I am calling that general and call you back.

Get me that general.  General, I just fired you.  What the hell do you mean by firing
that missile?

That's what you told me to do, Mr. President, when I warned you our instruments
were showing a Russian launch ...

Well, your instruments were wrong, you fool.  I knew it then.  That's why I fired you.  I
distinctly said, You're FIRED!  Don't you know it's my signature way of letting people

The line must've been bad, Mr. President.  I thought you said, "you FIRE!"

Well, what are you going to do about it?

Nothing I can do, Sir.  You just relieved me from my post.

Okay, you are hired again.

Not so fast, Sir, not without a promotion.  I deserve that.

Okay!  I won't argue.  You're promoted.

In writing, Sir, and another promotion before retirement, so I get a decent pension.

Okay, done!  Get it written up quick.  Now can you stop the missile?

Yes, Sir!  I think we can take care of it.  It's a dummy system which we have been
testing ... just to throw the Russians off the scent in a real strike.  Your order was
insane, if you don't mind me saying so Sir, so I sent a dummy.  We have gotten false
alarms before.