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The Porcupine's Quill: A Satire Column
by Arshad M. Khan
Please scroll down for
the satire column
December 22, 2013
THE GRAND OLLAMA'S CHRISTMAS MESSAGE
News Item: The President holds the final news conference of the year with White
Yes, fellow llamas, I have to admit to you this job is a privilege, a privilege to serve
you. So I spend each day doing my best to improve opportunity and the standard of
living of the ordinary llama. And it pains me we are the most unequal society in the
developed animal world.
Yes, yes, I know what you are asking. But we all know the private sector is more
efficient. What if some gouge profits, we have to use the framework already in place
to be efficient. So the banks have received trillions in interest free loans. How was I
to know they would hog it? They were supposed to make lives better; instead, they
have been yanking llamas out of their shelters sometimes so unfairly they are now
obliged to make settlements.
I brought you health care -- at least health insurance. Yes, yes, I know they treat
each federally insured person as a prize goose to be plucked with tests and
unnecessary tests paid for by the government, and hospital, drugs, and doctor fees
so outrageous it would make them blush with shame in other lands. But we have the
best gold-plated medical care in the world -- for some. See how they come here to
be treated. Yes, yes, I know we have the worst birth outcomes, unnecessary deaths
from lack of care, and lower life expectancies in our peer group. But you know what
they say, 'you win some, you lose some'.
I am doing my part. I have, at great expense, moved my family away from the luxury
of my mansion and the decadence of Washington to live simply in Hawaii for the
Christmas season. I help out at places serving free food to the foodless. I
encourage you to do the same even if you are among the increasing numbers
seeking such help. Worry not. I spend my waking hours devising ways to help you.