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The Porcupine's Quill: A Satire Column
by Arshad M. Khan
Please scroll down for
the satire column
Dec 18, 2011
News Item: Newt Gingrich continues to lead despite sharp attacks centered on
his lobbying and adulterous affairs.
We newts have a unique perspective on the world. From the ceiling, the
world is upside down. We see reality for what it is -- a set of beliefs that can
be turned easily on its head. I call it "newting".
Take the Palestinians, for example. A complete invention if you ask me.
Why? I'll tell you. Can they vote for me? No. Can they support my
campaign? No. Above all, are they newts? No. For me, therefore, they
don't exist. Unlike my rivals, I am not groveling to Israel. No. I just solved
That's me: a problem solver. I can solve the problem of illegal immigrants,
the unemployed, the homeless, in exactly the same way. My reasoning?
Impeccable. My logic? Unassailable.
It takes flexibility of mind to warn those that will listen that the U.S. could be
headed to becoming a "secular atheist country, potentially one dominated
by radical Islamists" (2011). If you disagree, I would like to ask if you are
sure radical Islamists believe in God. They don't believe in mine ... ergo ...
they are atheists.
But have faith. "[Newts] like me are what stand between us and Auschwitz"
(1994). And be careful, the Democrats will only bring "the joys of Soviet style
brutality and the murder of women and children" (1980s).