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The Porcupine's Quill:  A Satire Column
by Arshad M. Khan
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the satire column
Porcupine's Quill
December 14 2014


News Item:  The Senate Intelligence Committee report on CIA torture was released
on Tuesday.

Yep!  I am a top agent ... so secret I am buried deep underground.


Well, I am in line for the top job ...

You?  Why you?

It's simple.  As you can observe, I see no evil, speak no evil and from where I am, can
certainly hear no evil.  Makes me perfect for the job ...

What do you think of the torture report?

Torture?  What torture?  The CIA does not torture.  Everything we do, and I do mean
everything, has been cleared by lawyers.

You mean the way we can trust the CIA is to trust their lawyers.  Do you  have any
comments on the Senate report ...

On enhanced interrogation techniques, EITs as we call them?  They saved many
lives, foiled many plots.

Can you provide any proof of what you say?

Proof?  That must remain secret ... to keep you safe.

But you have not used your EITs in six years and we are still safe.

Count yourself lucky.  Can't you see what could happen?

People may be forgiven for wondering if you can ... when you set up jihadi groups,
that turn around and sting us -- Afghanistan, Iraq, Libya and now Syria ...

Well, I prefer to feel my way around undermining structures of unfriendly regimes.  I
can't be responsible for human perverseness.

No, you are mostly in ESM.

ESM?  What's that?

I thought that was your term ... enhanced sleep mode.