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The Porcupine's Quill:
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the satire column
October 24, 2010
THE PAN KIRKLODYTE
by Arshad M Khan
U.S. Rep. Mark Kirk running for the U.S. Senate from Illinois has been
accused of lying about his background and issues.
Yes, there are Pan troglodytes and Pan paniscus, but the family has now
expanded -- the new Pan kirklodytes, an articulate member of this branch is
fortunately quite eloquent. Here he is, in his own words...
As a pan kirklodyte, deception is natural for me. It's quite harmless and has
sure helped me along in life ... as it did my forebears. But let me tell you
something: when you go to the zoo and a pan troglodyte throws his feces at
you, do you complain? No, you just laugh it off. My actions don't involve
assault or battery with a dangerous weapon -- some of it is hard stuff, I can
tell you, from the crap the media has been throwing at me.
The Navy's Intelligence Officer of the Year? We all were, all my buddies, the
whole unit got the award. So what's wrong with that -- not my job to name all
the others. Anyway we've clarified that.
Being shot at in Iraq? Well, of course, they were shooting. That's war, isn't
it? The fact that I was flying 20,000 ft above it all, safe, is a testament to our
airspace technology. It's why I've supported military budgets ... to keep us
safe, me included.
Fighting in the second Iraq war ... in Maryland. So what? Aren't the drone
boys in Nevada? You press guys want to make a mountain out of a molehill.
Buying oil from Iran, China drilling off the coast of Cuba for oil, it's all
chicken feed. Where you humans buy and sell or drill, it's all the same to
me, I can't tell you apart.
Stop hassling me. I can bring you a perspective you can only dream about ...
but I can imagine, so vote for me.