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The Porcupine's Quill: A Satire Column
by Arshad M. Khan
Please scroll down for
the satire column
October 11, 2015
THE MEGA-BANK SAURI
News Item: Two facts about the too-big-to-fail banks: In the 1970s they owned
about 10 percent of assets; before 2008 financial meltdown, they had 20 percent;
and now they have 44 percent. Secondly, the source of income has shifted
drastically (under the Fed's low interest rate policy) form interest to fees.
How is it going BoAmerisaurus? I really like your ATM fee hike from $2 to $3 for
Yeah, hate giving them an easy ride ... encourage them to become customers. What
are you up to Morganosaurus? Our little hike must seem penny-ante to you big boys.
Well, money's money and penny-ante soon adds up with lots of little customers. But
yes, we are not doing too badly.
Too badly! Heard you guys swallowed all the gains of New York City's five pension
funds over the last ten years -- a cool $2.5 billion.
Well, appetites grow as we grow ... can't be helped.
And the credit card business Citiosaurus?
Can't complain. Can't complain.
Can't complain! Thought you were rolling in it. What with interest rates to us at all
time lows and you charging 10, 12 ... 20 percent on card balances.
Can't complain. These are good times, and for you too BoAmerisaurus as far as the
credit card business goes. And what about the third of a billion Los Angeles paid in
financial fees. Things aren't that bad out west ...
Can't complain. Can't complain. We gotta eat. We have to have dollars. That's
what we modern dinosaurs eat ...