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The Porcupine's Quill: A Satire Column
by Arshad M. Khan
Please scroll down for
the satire column
September 28, 2014
BACTERIUM AMYGDALA GROWTHIUS
News Item: Scientists report the amygdala of altruistic humans is larger than
average; that of psychopaths who kill without feeling is shrunk.
So, amygdala growthius, why are you so special, they have asked us to talk to you.
Sh! Sh! Sh! Hush! (Puts finger to lips) I am top secret. The scientists are afraid
my species will be eradicated like the small pox fellas if the politicians and the powers
that be discovered our plan.
So what is the plan?
Our plan is to save humanity.
You a bacterium will save humanity ... (laughs out loud).
It is not my plan; it is the scientists'! I am just the tool they will use.
Well, tell us how you will go about it.
It's very simple. We plan to infect psychopathic leaders, politicians, generals,
bankers (Goldman Sachs especially) ... you know, the movers and shakers of our
world with me.
And what will you do ...
Why, I can do wonders ... I can grow their amygdala. I can grow their amygdala so
these money grabbing, power-hungry bastards who are screwing up the world can
develop some feelings for the people they are killing; the people they are
bankrupting through their greedy schemes and driving to suicide; so they can try to
heal the planet instead of destroying it; so the species becoming extinct at faster and
faster rates can be saved -- as you know this year is the 100th anniversary of the
passenger pigeon becoming extinct ... wiped out in a few decades when once there
were five billion in North America.
My! You do get worked up ...
It's because I am altruism personified ...
But exactly how do you do your job?
Oh! It's simple. I will wrap myself around the amygdala and secrete amygdala growth
stem cells. Soon, these cold, hollow-eyed leaders will become genial, even
avuncular, and will start to focus their efforts on making the lives of the less fortunate
better. Instead of brandishing prose, they will actually flex muscle.
And you think the world will become better?
I know so ... and you do too. Unless some psychopath like Hitler or Stalin, or others I
am afraid to name for they became heroes, escape our attentions.
I see what you mean ...