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The Porcupine's Quill:
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the satire column
September 26, 2010
THE COLLARED IGUANID
News Item: House Minority Leader John Boehner accused this week of an
extra-marital affair with a lobbyist from the printing industry.
My name is Boehnericus Oplurus. From my photo you can see how
handsome I am. Do you notice the color? It is the result of much careful
basking in the sun. Yes, they make fun of me ... say I use a tanning lamp ... .
Far from it, my family going back millions of years have favored a long bask
in the sun. It helps to loosen the muscles and get the blood flowing, and, as
I get older, loosen the joints.
We believe in taking things easy and I continue that tradition. After all, look
how long we have thrived on this planet -- millions of years compared to the
humans' paltry few hundred thousand.
Another reason we have managed to be around this long is very simple. We
take what we can get, when we can get it. We are not encumbered by
human conscience any more than many really successful humans.
So there's a lot of fuss about an extra-marital affair. I was just doing what
comes naturally after a long bask in the sun, when the blood warms up, and
the hormones start ticking. Hell, she knew what she was doing and she has
no complaints. So what's your problem, eh! Why, my grandfather knew (in
the Biblical sense) every female in his vast neighborhood. And, truthfully,
wouldn't you like to be the same? No! Well that's your problem. Don't ask,
don't tell eh!