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The Porcupine's Quill:
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the satire column
Sept 19, 2010
THE PRESIDENT DISCUSSES WAR AND PEACE
by Arshad M Khan
Note: It was announced recently that all combat forces have been withdrawn
from Iraq. Such a momentous event required a departure from usual practice
in The Porcupine's Quill: We have devoted this week to the most dominant --
some might say destructive -- species on the planet, excluded so far because it
is present everywhere else.
What we have to remember is this ... war brings peace and peace brings war
But, Mr. President, with regard to the withdrawal of all our American combat
troops from Iraq, I have it on good authority there are still 4,000 Special
Forces remaining ...
Those are UNREAL.
UNREAL Sir! (incredulously). But they have been photographed. They are
I am not disputing what you say. I am just informing you they are UNREAL --
the Unified Reconnaissance and Attack Leathernecks. We have ... I mean
the military has renamed them. Actually, I would have preferred
Latitudinarians -- Leathernecks sounds so WWIIish; latitudinarians would
have emphasized the tolerant nature of our society. Americans are a
generous, tolerant people -- just look at the response to the Ground Zero
Mosque -- and that's the face we could have put forward to civilians there.
But the military wouldn't compromise, so I did.
But, Sir, that sounds like a force ready for combat operations.
No, not at all. Their job is to seek and destroy the one WMD Saddam
Hussein nearly had ready. Our Intelligence has learned the Iranians are
looking for it -- disguised as religious pilgrims they are swarming all over
the place, and, I repeat, we just can't let them beat us to it ... it's a uniquely
Sir, are you able to tell us what it is?
Well, it's probably going to leak out anyway. We first learned of it through
our enhanced interrogation of one of Saddam's scientists. It is what I would
call an existential threat and it requires a definite UNREAL response. You
see, it's an almost completed Aladdin's lamp and it commands a fearful,
all-powerful genie. You can understand, if the Iranians get it first, they
could wipe us (along with the Israelis) off the map.
And your comments, Sir, are not off the record ... I can really print this.
Of course you can. We are the most open Administration in history.
Well, thank you Sir. I feel almost churlish bringing up the other half-dozen
or so brigades, all heavily armed.
Those arms are peace makers.
You mean like the Colt 45 of the Old West.
Yes! It provided the means to seek out, disrupt and destroy the lawless
misanthropes of the time. It helped settle the land ... transformed it into a
law-abiding prosperous addition to our great country ... a country that I love.
What about the BCTs, the Brigade Combat Teams, Sir? They sound an awful
lot like combat units.
Exactly. That's why we have renamed every unit "Advise and Assist". The
BCTs, by the way, are now called Bilateral Cultural Teams.
And what will they do, Sir?
Well there are many ideas. But the first teams are out scouring Iraq for the
best belly dancers. The Iraqis are really good at it you know.
Belly dancers, Sir. Are you serious?
Yes, couldn't be more so ... a very healthy exercise. And it ties in with
Michelle's "Let's Move" anti-obesity program. When these guys are expert,
they will return and run classes at the military bases back home. It's all part
of my plan for trimming the defense department. We will also send
representatives to schools to support Michelle's people. Everyone needs
to get with it if we are to be a healthy country again. Here, come join me ...
And he began to give a live demonstration ...