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The Porcupine's Quill:  A Satire Column
by Arshad M. Khan
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the satire column
Porcupine's Quill
September 18, 2016


News Item:  The Economist reports (August 20-26, pp. 32-33) a story on the status of
cows in India where "three quarters of citizens hold cows to be sacred, and being
nice to them is a convenient way to please the gods."  The dung "protects against
smartphone radiation," one of many health benefits apparently, as some believe.

Holy cow!

Yes cousin that's me.  You may be a prize-winning Holstein, but it doesn't matter
here.  You don't count.

But I can provide several times your output ...

Too true and I admire you for it but none of it matters, you know.  You have to be an
Indian cow, usually white, to be holy.

You mean my black patches exclude me ... that's what humans call racism.

Not just that, your size and shape and build ...

My goodness!  It is racism.

And we also have an unusual retirement plan.  We stand around being fed and
stroked for money.  It's a way to please the gods ...

I see, but I can't believe it.  Your have a heaven on earth.

There's more ...

There is?

Yes.  My urine and dung have magical properties.

They do?

Yes, some wash in my urine.

I remember Morarji Desai, a former Indian prime minister, used to drink his own urine
three times a day for good health.

Well, some probably drink mine.  One thing for sure, "Shankar Lal, an ideological ally
of the current prime minister, extolled the many health merits of cow dung.  Spreading
it on the back of a smartphone, as he does every week, apparently protects against
harmful radiation," The Economist dutifully reported.

I know, I know.  Amazing!  I read exactly that in The Economist.  Maybe they can
export your dung and urine to the West to be sold in capsules in health food stores ...