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The Porcupine's Quill: A Satire Column
by Arshad M. Khan
Please scroll down for
the satire column
Sept 18, 2011
THE MINNESOTA LOON
News Item: Republican Presidential candidate Michele Bachmann claims to
have met a woman who said the HPV vaccine shot triggered mental
retardation in her daughter. Bachmann has been challenged to prove her
Okay! okay! I admit it I am a Minnesota loon. It's a duck with a sharp beak.
That's what gets me elected -- the sharp beak. We are kind and gentle in
Minnesota -- ever heard my friend Garrison from Lake Wobegon -- unlike Mr.
Hairspray puncturing little kids and filling 'em full of alien bugs when they
can't say no. Then he gives 'em Texas justice when they are grown up --
strapping 'em on the trolley to hell/heaven and sticking 'em with the big
You can't blame me; it's the winters down here in Minnesota. That's why we
have the loon as our State bird. The cold does it to you. It's why the
Russians were the first to the moon -- anything to get away from the cold.
And we Minnesotans invented the airplane. We just put our skis sideways
and took off. That's how the Wright brothers got started. I know. Their
great ... great grandson told me.
I'll tell you. If you live through a Minnesota winter, you can do anything. It
toughens you up. It's a blessing from God and I am grateful. It's why the
loons take off. I went to Washington. All us loonies roost there -- best place
in the country -- good feeding and the fish are easy pickings. Lately though
... I dunno ... God's been raining hell -- what with hurricanes and
earthquakes. That's why I am running. Vote for me. It's your last chance.