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The Porcupine's Quill: A Satire Column
by Arshad M. Khan
by Arshad M. Khan
Please scroll down for
the satire column
Porcupine's Quill
the satire column
Porcupine's Quill
September 3, 2017
HOCUS POTUS
News Item: Houston floods.
Climate change? It's just ... God works in mysterious ways. We can't question this. If
you're a believer.
What do I think has caused climate change? You must be kidding. The whole thing's
a hoax for these scientists to scrounge more and more money off the Federal
government. Your money.
You know, that's why I've cut funding. The Environmental Protection Agency by 31
percent for a start. Same for the FDA. And those vaccine guys -- causes autism
you know; destroys healthy children -- I mean the Centers for Disease Control and
Prevention. I cut them by 17 percent. NIH by 18 percent. NSF by 11 percent.
Those scientists are not going to make a monkey out of me.
And Houston's third 500-year flood in three years, you folks keep harping about, I
don't question God ... and country. If you ask me, this climate change crapola is a
rumor spread by the Chinese (and North Korea, they're in it, believe me) to
completely destroy our manufacturing base, weaken us, so they can take over.
Notice, they aren't doing much about climate change as they take our jobs away.
Just talk.
I know these things. Thought them through. I have the brain. You see this hair. I
know. They make fun of it. I know better. I comb it this way to make the best
antenna. I absorb cosmic rays -- God's energy. Keeps my brain in top condition.
God gave me amazing genes. That's why I see things. That's why I am a winner.
There are winners and losers. And I am a winner. And I am on your side.
I am putting a stop to all this. The scientists, the Chinese, the North Koreans. I'll
make America great again ...
HOCUS POTUS
News Item: Houston floods.
Climate change? It's just ... God works in mysterious ways. We can't question this. If
you're a believer.
What do I think has caused climate change? You must be kidding. The whole thing's
a hoax for these scientists to scrounge more and more money off the Federal
government. Your money.
You know, that's why I've cut funding. The Environmental Protection Agency by 31
percent for a start. Same for the FDA. And those vaccine guys -- causes autism
you know; destroys healthy children -- I mean the Centers for Disease Control and
Prevention. I cut them by 17 percent. NIH by 18 percent. NSF by 11 percent.
Those scientists are not going to make a monkey out of me.
And Houston's third 500-year flood in three years, you folks keep harping about, I
don't question God ... and country. If you ask me, this climate change crapola is a
rumor spread by the Chinese (and North Korea, they're in it, believe me) to
completely destroy our manufacturing base, weaken us, so they can take over.
Notice, they aren't doing much about climate change as they take our jobs away.
Just talk.
I know these things. Thought them through. I have the brain. You see this hair. I
know. They make fun of it. I know better. I comb it this way to make the best
antenna. I absorb cosmic rays -- God's energy. Keeps my brain in top condition.
God gave me amazing genes. That's why I see things. That's why I am a winner.
There are winners and losers. And I am a winner. And I am on your side.
I am putting a stop to all this. The scientists, the Chinese, the North Koreans. I'll
make America great again ...