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The Porcupine's Quill: A Satire Column
by Arshad M. Khan
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the satire column
July 10, 2011
PANTALOON ...PANTAGOON ... PANTSAGON ... PENTAGON --- THE WORLD'S
Yes, I am the world's largest tuna, and yes, I am caught in this terrible net called the
'graveyard of empires', this vicious Afghanistan. I have thrashed about making giant
waves that have killed thousands including some of my little tuna. I have been here
over a decade, and the dollar my sustenance is also tarnished. It used to be
everyone's reserve currency; now barely a third of the world uses it.
They are calling me loony ... pantaloony; they are calling me pantsagon. Yes, I am
embarrassed, assembared; embareassed. I am the emperor without clothes. I have
been here before. In Vietnam, I declared victory and left -- perhaps in an unorthodox
way by helicopter off the roof of the embassy, but I left. And guess what? They are
still suffering my pain. The agent orange I left them is even now producing deformed
babies. Don't mess with me! When I lose, I win. I mean when I win, I lose. No, that
can't be right. When I win, I win. Aw, hell! Win or lose, I am still around.
And my friend, the Assreally army is the same. When they lost in Lebanon, they
claimed victory. After signing the ceasefire and withdrawal agreement, they dropped
thousands of bomblets encased in cluster bombs all over the farm fields in the south
of Lebanon. The UN peacekeeping force has spent millions trying to get rid of them,
and farmers plowing their fields and children picking them up as toys have been
injured and killed.
Well, I have got to get going -- I am tired after ten years. I have gotta get these
pesky Taleban fishermen to remove their nets and get me out so I can hightail it out
Heh! heh! I have got myself an "Afghan" army (97% from my allies the Northern
Alliance). They'll keep fighting the Taleban when I leave. Surprise for you sucker!
Just remembered ... did the same in Vietnam. Damn! Well, we'll see. It's a pity the
Taleban are from the largest ethnic group, the Pashtuns, and a similar number live
across the border in Pakistan, a border that they have never really taken to mean
much at all -- the Brits just drew up a line they liked. During the Mogul Empire days, it
was all one country ruled from Delhi. Perhaps, they can figure out a way to do the
same again -- the Indians are less pesky, they know the value of a dollar.
My mind wandering around again. It tends to do that when you are trapped in a
prison. I'll just keep bellowing 'I am winning' and thrash up some more waves ... wish
the Taleban fishermen would see some sense and let me loose. Everyone's trying
though -- I mean to talk sense into them and they tell me to keep on thrashing. I am
tired. Even Pat-ray-us, the bottom fisher, has gotten out -- "veni, vidi, I left".