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The Porcupine's Quill: A Satire Column
by Arshad M. Khan
Please scroll down for
the satire column
June 9, 2013
KEEPING US SAFE
News Item: Edward Snowden reveals a data collection regime through a FISA court
order enabling NSA to amass data on Phone call duration, location, phone numbers
connected including overseas, for almost all calls.
My job as Grand Ollama is to keep all llamas safe. And I promised you I would use
legal means to do so. Therefore, what was illegal before, I have made legal. Yes,
yes, I know ... the First Amendment (free speech), the Fourth Amendment (privacy)
-- there are so many of them it makes my head spin and I have been a constitutional
You know my fellow llamas, there is a constant tussle between your privacy and our
need to know. All I can do is assure the law-abiding among us that they have
nothing to fear.
To be truthful, I must tell you I love fear; it enables me to have laws passed allowing
me to watch over you -- for your own good. It is done only to keep you safe. You
must think of me as a friend watching over you. Better still as your Big Brother ... a
Big Brother watching to keep you safe.
As you know, I welcome debate, and I welcome debate on the privacy and security
issue. What is the right balance? That is for you to decide. All I can say is I have
nothing personal against the one who initiated the debate this time. But he is a
criminal for releasing secret information, and if we catch him, we'll put him in jail for a
very long time. Ask yourself, why would he flee to Hong Kong if he didn't know he
had committed a crime?
We cannot have anyone assisting our enemies in this war, no matter how lofty they
claim their motives. No, we have to keep you safe. We have to guard you. We have
to watch you. Be aware, you have nothing to fear. Big Brother is watching over you
... Big Brother is watching you ...