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The Porcupine's Quill: A Satire Column
by Arshad M. Khan
Please scroll down for
the satire column
May 31, 2015
THE ROYAL GRAND OLLAMA
News Item: While this page noted the tendency long ago and dubbed him The
Grand Ollama, an article in Harper's (June 2015) calls him monarchical in demeanor
So when did you first notice these royal stirrings in your blood?
It's always been latent ... must be something, some tribal chiefdoms in my African
Must've been a long time ago. Your grandfather did kitchen duty with the African
Rifles, a British colonial regiment.
Yeah, the British did terrible things to natural leaders ...
So when did the latent feelings become tangible ...
I'd say sometime after I was elected.
It didn't have anything to do with meeting the British royal family did it?
Well, their manner, their speech ... I felt a certain kinship. It's why the Grand
Ollamess hugged the Queen.
Their speech! Don't tell me. You are not going to start speaking like you have a
couple of marbles in your mouth ...
(Sheepishly) To tell the truth, I have practised with one marble. I was afraid I might
swallow one if I used two.
There seems no change.
(Tilts head-up imperiously) It did not seem to matter.
What do you mean?
(Tilts head up even higher) The demeanor comes from within. It's, as they say, all in
You mean you are royal ...
The proof of the pudding is in the eating. You are excused, the audience is over. I
have to return to bringing change to my people -- all the people. I have to be
impartial. I love the poor though I wish they'd pull their socks up; I love the rich -- like
me, they work hard ... the bankers (smart guys); I love all -- left wing, right wing,
progressives, neocons ... I don't take sides. And now I have to get back to work ... for
all the people. As I said, you are excused. The audience is over.