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The Porcupine's Quill: A Satire Column
by Arshad M. Khan
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the satire column
May 13, 2012
A ROMNEY SHEEP HAIRCUT
News Item: News leaked out this week that when Mitt Romney was in prep school,
he led a gang of bullies, who held down and forcibly cut the long, dyed blond hair of a
gay fellow student while the boy screamed for help. Romney said he did not
remember the incident.
Come winter a blistering cold wind blows across the Romney marshes in Kent.
Romney sheep develop a fine, thick coat of wool as a natural response. It is the wool
they are famous for, and in spring as the weather warms they are ready for shearing
"Yes, I was held down and sheared completely by the shepherd and I am not
complaining," exclaimed Romney, the favorite sheep of the marshes, who has
brought prominence to their kind. "And I had cuts from the shears all over my body
... but that is the way of the shepherd and the sheep."
"No, no! No bullying. All we did with the dyed blond friend was give him a little trim ...
though I don't remember the incident."
"How do I know then? I know because we could not have done otherwise. He was a
brother sheep, and we are not shepherds. We just gave him a little trim to help him
get used to the shears, so he would not be too afraid of the shearing to come after
"Yes, of course, my friend, I was helping him out. That's what I have always done ...
help people. Ask anyone."
"You say he was screaming for help. He might have, I don't remember."
"Okay, okay, if he was screaming ... well, that was exactly why we were doing it -- to
help him get rid of his fear of shearing."
"Yeah, it's a lot worse when the shearers do it. I have the scars to prove it, my
friend. I have been sheared more than once, you know."
"Yes of course. As you put it, I too am a victim of the system."
"Yes, and as I said before, I was just trying to help a brother sheep get rid of his
fears. Helping others is what I like to do."