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The Porcupine's Quill: A Satire Column
by Arshad M. Khan
Please scroll down for
the satire column
April 29, 2012
ASSES AND WILD OATS
News Item: U.S. Secret Service agents dismissed over Colombian prostitution
It is no doubt well known that asses love oats, especially the wild kind. But what is an
A.S.S., as you see, stands for an Agent of the Secret Service. Now, you would think
the activities of the U.S. Secret Service would be secret. Of course not, and certainly
not when they are doing what comes naturally. (Have you checked on the most
popular stories on Huff Post lately?) We live in a free and open democratic society.
And there you have it in a nutshell.
The Grand Ollama, benign ruler of the land of milk and honey, protector of our rights
and Constitution, forgetful Constitutional scholar, is everything to everyone -- black in
appearance, white in upbringing and thinking, member of a radical black Christian
church congregation in Chicago, loved by right-wing no-regulation bankers --
identifying as left, right, black, white ... everyone and everything except the obvious
connections of a Muslim (Kenyan) father and a Muslim (Indonesian) stepfather;
hence the Muslim forenames and Kenyan surname, and the enrollment form of an
Indonesian primary school stating 'Muslim'. He publicly celebrates Christmas, Easter,
Passover, Diwali, and is often seen going to Sunday church. He is not able to
celebrate Eid, not even with his Indonesian half-sister -- at least not publicly. Loved
as he is, the benign Grand Ollama has to be protected, especially when he leaves his
House, which also happens to be White. That job of protection is reserved for our
highly trained ASSes.
"Have you tried Colombian oats?" one ASS asked another.
"No, but I hear they are wild," replied the other licking his lips.
That is how it started, and we all know the end -- forbidden fruit means expulsion from
the Garden of Eden ... and the House of the Grand Ollama.