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The Porcupine's Quill: A Satire Column
by Arshad M. Khan
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the satire column
April 22, 2012
THE WARRING FRENCH POODLES
News Item: The French Presidential election is being held today (April 22, 2012).
It is not often that Nikko Sourpussy, the champion French poodle, has his back to the
wall but the new challenger Frankie Howl-And has him there. Nobody has figured out
why Frankie's last name has And. Some speculate, one of his ancestors left a lot to
be desired, and the parents kept hoping for more. Others believe it appropriate as
his incoherent philosophy spanning left and right leaves people, expecting an
explanation, mouthing "And?" to no avail.
Sourpussy is rumored to have been observed pacing the palatial corridors of Elysee
Palace muttering to himself, "If only I could have started another war ... damn it! It's
so difficult. To give all this up just because Syria doesn't have any oil. It is so unfair.
The world is so greedy -- especially Le Americain -- it only fights for treasure,
especially oil, not for principle like I do."
Frankie Howl-And is in a happy mood -- keeps singing 'Frankie and Johnny were
sweethearts.' They say he is angling for Jean-Luc Melancholic's left wing votes in the
Then there is Marine Le Pain in the Sourpussy's you-know-what. She is one
snapping little miniature poodle souring Sourpussy's attempts to court the extreme
right -- his jingoistic remarks on immigration, French culture, and anything else just
shy of shocking.
Of course, missing from all this is DSK, the rutting chimpanzee as one of the women
called him. Throwing him into the mix would have transformed this dull, predictable
affair into an electrifying event -- at least going by what's most popular on Huff Post --
with dramatic new revelations by the day. The media world misses you, DSK; people
like you are their lifeblood these days.
Observers predict no clear winner in the first round, and, the May 6 final round to be
between Howl-And and Sourpussy. Or do Le Pain and Melancholic have a chance?
In present day France, some say they truly represent the mood swings of the
country. Stay tuned for the next round of the poodle wars; watch how the survivors
prostitute themselves for the extreme voters. Such is the reality of politics played
abroad and back home.