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The Porcupine's Quill: A Satire Column
by Arshad M. Khan
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the satire column
THE HEDGE HOG
News Item: Oil prices are climbing sharply and the rise is being blamed on
speculators and hedge funds.
Yes, I am a hedge hog. You notice I am well protected from predators.
That's what I can offer you -- protection -- and the means ... well, my name
should tell you. I hedge and I am a hog with it. You see the 50 meter yacht
out in the harbor, the Hedgehog II ... your money paid for it. You made
money, and I made money making you money.
Where is Hedgehog I, you ask. Well, there wasn't one. But it looks good to
appear you have been yachting for a while! That's life! It's all about
appearances. Look at the Grand Ollama, our big chief. He claims he's smart
and all his minions keep promoting the idea. But is he? Nobody really
knows. He can't move Congress. He won't release his grades. That should
tell us something ... don't you think?
They are blaming me of piggybacking on trends. My name should tell you I
like to piggyback -- up or down. They blame us when prices rise sharply but
not a word of thanks when they come down fast. That's life, as I like to say.
Let you in on a secret. I am not always hedging these days. Sometimes I go
naked. Yeah! that's where the real money is, and, if things go wrong ... we
have the insurer of last resort, the U.S. government ... and the taxpayer.
They are all terrified of chaos in the market. So the bigger the bet, the
better the chances the government will bail you out if things go wrong ...
and ipso facto, the safer you are. Crazy, isn't it? That's capitalism nouveau.
I have put in an order for a 100 meter, the Hedgehog III. Cost me a billion,
but then what's money for, eh!?