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The Porcupine's Quill: A Satire Column
by Arshad M. Khan
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the satire column
February 26, 2017
A SLOVENIAN DORMOUSE STORY
News Item: There is a tradition of unusual proteins in Slovenia, the birthplace and
early home of the First Lady: Horse meat burgers, bear pate, and, of course,
dormouse stew, a Fall tradition.
Doughnaald! I have something special for you ... You know back home we had
autumn competitions in the villages to trap dormice. Then everyone would bring their
catch to make a giant communal stew. It was so much fun ... (gets lost in reverie)
While these two are talking, I have to get outta here. Guess who's on her menu?
Yes, me! And my friends.
Melania. Come on! You don't want me to eat those ....
No! No! Not like that. Of course not. I cook first.
Why don't you ask the chef to do it?
I did. He refused.
Refused! He's fired.
No, no Doughnaald. You fire too much. I cook. I love to cook for you, especially
I know (turns away to make a face).
I've got to get this cage door open ... or we're all dead meat ... literally, as they say
Oh please Jerry, hurry up. I'm scared of that big lady with the gleam in her eyes
when she looks at us.
I think I can just reach the latch. Oh, it's so heavy to lift.
Please Jerry, try ... try with all your might.
Let me see, if I can wedge my hind paws here then lever myself ... I got it. Come on
run for your lives ...
Melania! Your treats are running away ...
Doughnaald! Oh my poor Doughnaald. Dormice stew is delicious ...
A note for tourists: Horse meat burgers at the Hot Horse in Tivoli City Park,
Ljubljana. Bear pate' at J B Restavracija. In the autumn, villages around Ljubljana
hold competitions to trap dormice, which are then cooked in communal stews.