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The Porcupine's Quill: A Satire Column
by Arshad M. Khan
Please scroll down for
the satire column
January 26, 2014
REWARDS AT TOO-BIG-TO-FAIL MORGANOSAURUS
News Item: Jamie Dimon receives a 74 percent pay boost at JP Morgan Chase
despite its large fines for legal troubles.
Okay, okay, so I got a big pay increase. But 10 million doesn't go far these days.
And we got off lightly. Pays to lubricate wheels at election time! Send plenty of
arugula leaves -- that's what the big guy likes.
Okay, so we paid 13 billion to settle with the Justice Department -- a small matter
since we harvested much more.
And, we remain too-big-to-fail dinosaurs -- the bancosaurus subspecies will live
forever gorging on arugula. They are all thriving: BoAsaurus squeezing out more
and ever more; Fargosaurus -- well and going far; Citcosaurus -- a monolith ... who
can dislodge it?
Then there is us: Morganosaurus a bright star dimmed lately but getting ready to
shine again. Just keep the arugula deliveries to Congress on schedule.
And what of the 6 billion plus in gambling ... er, I mean trading losses? Well, we are
too big to fail. Sometimes bets go sour ... we all know that.
Okay, yes there is also the 2.6 billion fine for our role in Bernie Madoff's Ponzi
scheme. Listen, we are here to help our clients. I grant you, with a name like that we
should have seen it coming, but he fooled us too.
And another 5 billion in fees and minor matters ... Look, this can go on and on. Let's
cut to the chase: What would you pay for a get-out-of-jail card? Would you double
my salary? There you have it ... and I only got a 74 percent raise ...