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The Porcupine's Quill: A Satire Column
by Arshad M. Khan
Please scroll down for
the satire column
Jan 22, 2012
THE NEWT WINS
News Item: Newt Gingrich beats Mitt Romney 42 to 28 percent in the South
When it comes to climbing high, few can compete with us newts. Walls,
panes of glass, the impossible we make possible. There I was hugging the
bottom in Iowa; here I am at the top in South Carolina. Some say the South
Carolinians are a special breed -- antebellum in thought and susceptible to
my bellicosity -- implying I don't stand a chance in Florida. Ha! Ha! Surprise!
Surprise! I am temporarily loaded with cash.
If I say Palestinians are an invented people and Sheldon Adelson (owner of
Israel Hayom one of the largest circulation dailies in Israel) and his wife
Miriam cough up a cool $5 million (in addition to the previous $8 million) for
my Super-Pac, then I'd say I've just given you an example of my brilliant
non-lateral thinking. Can you humans even conceive the thought of walking
on a ceiling, let alone actually do it? That's what this is: walking upside
down in a topsy-turvy world.
Non-lateral thinking, that's the key. Watch my somersaults in Florida. It's a
great state with plenty who think Obama has let Israel down -- especially on
Iran. So watch my verbal gymnastics. Demolished my ex-wife's charges in a
sentence, did I not? Aren't ex-wives tiresome?
Imagine life with me as President ... bomb, bomb Iran; marines in Venezuela;
nuke the North Koreans; we'll all be sleeping easy. Well, gotta go ... practice
my ceiling walk ... clears the mind ... new ideas ... new perspectives ... that's
why I'm exciting ... unlike the bore in the White House ... about as much fun
as his banker friends.