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January 1, 2010
THE GEORGE W. BUSH HOLIDAY LETTER: THE END OF MY FIRST DECADE
Arshad M Khan
In this tenth year of my Administration, I, George W. Bush, have much to be
proud of. First and foremost, let's look at the security of this country. I
have kept y'all safe. Yes, they've tried, but we caught 'em each time. My
avatar, B.O. -- Bam as I call him -- continues to do what I told him.
On Defense, we have Gates -- a quiet guy, I like him, does what he's told,
not feisty like Rummy, who made me feel like a kid. Got tired of it ... let him
go. Yep! Gates is doin' a heckuva job. In I-raq, we have pulled our combat
troops. Yeh, there are still 50,000 of our guys there, but we gotta keep our
oil safe. They ain't goin' after insurgents -- that's Maliki's job an' he's doin'
great. We have brought 'em freedom an' democracy. They had elections
again March 7 and they are formin' a government. True it's December and
I-raqiya party ain't gettin' in, and true the I-ranians have brought in that evil
guy Mucky al-Sadr -- that's my nickname for him, Mucky ... Kept muckin'
things up for us but younguns are like that sometimes, an' he'll quieten
down. Some say the I-ranians won. Yep, the government now is all Shia,
but we got the Kurds and ... heh! heh! ... that's where the oil is.
In Afghanistan, man, I couldn't have done it better. Got my avatar Bam to
do a surge. Man, he catches on ... more drone strikes than I could've
dreamed of but those darn Taliban don't seem to give up. Sure would like
to know what they are made of. Our man Karzai's the same ethnic group --
Pashtun is it? I get 'em confused sometimes. Wish they could all be like
Karzai. Oh yeh! they made a fuss about him stealin' an election. But who
doesn't if they can? Heh, heh, heh ... see what I mean ... I can sympathize
with him. But he has a lot to learn. Imagine being suckered by a
shopkeeper, claiming to represent the Taliban, who entered peace
negotiations for a bagful (or two or more) of cash.
In I-ran, all options are still on the table. That's what I want. Bam knows it;
Bam's my avatar. But we've ratcheted up the sanctions. Starve them
suckers and their nucalers. Next year or year after, we'll see. Bibi wants to
have a go at 'em -- they always do around our elections when the news is
focused elsewhere. As for the Palestinians and them peace talks, man,
that's a mule that don't move.
You know my Pa was really into them START treaties, and I let him down a
little, but I got the new START goin' now. Darn Congress makin' a fuss --
they ain't worth a horse's patootie. I've been steamrollerin' em like they're
cow patties for a long time an' I did it again. Pa'll be proud of me -- I owed
him that one.
Don't-ask-don't-tell? Well we stole that one from the Catholic church, but
I'm glad it's now up to the military to take care of their own.
Health care? That was a cinch. We just tweaked Mitt Romney's (never liked
the guy) bag of tricks. Force 'em to join. Everyone is insured and the
insurers are happy. Worked in Massachus.... darn if I know how to spell
that one. Who cares, it always goes Democrat anyway.
The banks are in great shape ... hummin' along keepin' the economy goin' --
at least for some folks, the others need to wait a bit, it'll trickle down. Yeh,
my man at Treasury, Hank Paulson got the whole deal goin' with Geithner at
the New York Fed. But we spent $156 billion. With Geithner on his own an'
my avatar, they really larded it up with another $900 billion. But even that's
plain grits -- the real enchilada is their government investor program
spendin' $2.5 trillion on financial bailouts this year. And Bernanke busy
guaranteein' the banks trillions of dollars. It's makin' my head spin. See
how I've been lookin' after you guys. Christmas, year round eh? Heh! heh!
Oh, yeh! mustn't forget the tax cuts. Got my tax cuts through. Well, the
ones that matter get a good shake, but it's important -- they create jobs.
That's what these darn experts keep tellin' me. I hope they're right this time
-- didn't produce a **** in jobs in my first eight years. Now you can't say I
forgot the little guy -- the lowest quintile (you didn't think I could say that
right eh?) get $45 a year. A sweet little gift for Christmas -- you can buy a
lotta candy canes for 45 bucks.
Merry Christmas everybody. Also to my avatar in Hawaii -- he's my serious
side ... like to keep him far away from Texas in the holiday season ... sure
drains the fun out of a good party. And a Happy New Year everyone ... my
friends are sure gonna have one.